My husband is not romantic, is it unrealistic to ask him to be more romantic?
For example, we rarely do gift exchange but I would like to, and I told my husband it would be nice if he could sometimes buy me presents. I don’t care about material things, but I just think it’s a nice gesture to do for your wife/husband. And whenever we go out together, I am always the one who initiates, but I want him to initiate too. I feel like I’m always the one forcing him, or making him spend time with me.
Is it fair for me to ask such things of him?
~Asking for Too Much
My Response:
Dear Asking for Too Much;
I am assuming your husband didn’t stop being romantic from one day to the next, you probably already knew he was like this before you married him. With that said, it doesn’t mean that it’s too much to ask for. You have to talk to your husband, communicate to him how you feel and that you understand he isn’t romantic but it would be nice for him to make a little more effort when it came to gifts and going out for dinner. I think it’s important to get each other gifts especially during special occasions, it doesn’t have to be expensive just a little something to show you care. It makes a person feel good about their relationship when you get little surprises, like flowers on a Wednesday. Talk to your husband, tell him how you feel and try to surprise him every once in a while too. 😉
I am in desperate need of help. I have been in a relationship for few years now. We are both 24, and want to get engaged. In our culture we have to have our parents permission to get engaged and for the engagement ceremony the parents sit down and decide a date etc. His parents had no reason to say no to this relationship (I am as educated as he is, I earn as much as he does, we are from the same culture, same religion, same caste, same well educated family background, as good looking as he is, loves him as much he does me). His parents first made some excuses but then allowed us to date, but when it started getting serious they have been stubborn and blackmailing him (by saying they will die if he moves out and gets married to me) beating him up (I AM SERIOUS. they are beating up a 24 year old guy). They lock him up in the room just so that he cant come see me… torturing him by saying things like the will kill themselves if he gets married to me, that he has forgotten their 24 years of raising him, for one girl etc. His parents even called my parents and abused them and asked them for me to loose contact with him. TALKING and asking for reasons doesn’t work, all they have to say is “we feel that if you guys get married it will end up in a divorce”. His parents haven’t even met me yet and they said no because they feel he loves me so much and I will take advantage of it in future.
He loves me a lot and he has been going through all this suffering just to get a YES from his parents. (because he doesn’t want his parents to blame me for snatching away their child in future) now he has finally decided to move out after 3 months of painful suffering just because of me. I don’t know why I feel guilty for his separation from his parents! I feel if I never came to his life he wouldn’t have gone through all this **** and crap! Am I doing the wrong thing by wanting to spend my life with him and by making him move out of his house?
What is the best solution in this situation? I NEED HELP. I have been under severe depression and stress and frustration and I cant take it anymore. I NEED TO KNOW IF THERE IS ANY OTHER SOLUTION???
Waiting for your reply…
~guilty
My Response:
Dear Guilty;
It seems to me that no matter what woman your boyfriend was going to take home, they weren’t going to be good enough for his family. If they haven’t even met you yet, they have no right to judge. I understand that in these types of religions that the parents have a little more control over the situation. (I am not sure what religion you are and the extent of the situation). However, no parent, I don’t care what religion you are, has the right to abuse a child. Locking him up in his room is abuse and that is not to be taken lightly. Your boyfriend is no longer a child but a 24 year old man, and if he chooses to move out of his home, it is his right and his decision. I understand that he moved out to be with you, but you cannot blame yourself for the situation that stands between his parents and himself. His parents obviously have some issues they need to attend to, and your boyfriend needs to stand up and talk to them, explain to them that you both don’t want them to not be in your lives but that they need to understand that he loves you and all the both of you want is for them to give you their blessing and accept you into their family. I know it’s easier said than done, but maybe you need to go together to speak to his parents. Talk to your boyfriend first and explain to him how you feel, I am sure he does not blame you for leaving his house, this was his decision and he is a grown man. Communication is key in any relationship, you can’t hold in what you are feeling, you need to talk to your boyfriend and try to see what you can do together to make this relationship work. Don’t feel guilty, you have done nothing wrong but love your boyfriend….
Good luck
xo,
kristin nicole
If you need more advice don’t hesitate to email me.
So this week I didn’t have many Advice columns, I was inspired to write from the heart, write about life and questions that we sometimes have. I have come across a few people in my life, friends that have come and gone, boyfriends, and family and I know so many people who have the same questions. Sometimes we think we are alone in what we feel, we feel like no one can ever understand us. In some cases no one will know 100% of what you feel because everyone goes through life differently and everyone reacts differently to situations, but just because you go through it differently doesn’t mean another person can’t understand what you are going through.
Life is a road we all must take, and although we don’t know where it is going, we drive on it anyway, hoping it leads us to that happy ending in the sky….
Inspiration:
In life I have met people who have inspired me to become a better person, inspired me to fight for what I want and inspired me that no matter what you may think about yourself or what others may think of you, in the end you will find your way….
Life has brought a lot of negative things but it’s also brought a lot of positive, loving things. If we dwell on the negative that has happened to us then we will never be able to truly move forward, we will never be able to truly feel the happiness that is out there waiting for us. I can’t say I haven’t held grudges or that I’m perfect, and I am not saying it’s easy to forgive someone that has hurt you, but if we can’t change the past, we can’t change what happened to us then we need to learn how to move on from it. We need to learn that the past stays in the past and our future has so many more possibilities filled with love and happiness. I have to believe that there is more out there for me, just like I know there is more out there for you (the person reading this). Each day I get closer to my dreams coming true.
Today I am inspired to become a better person
Today I am inspired to make my dreams come true
Today I am inspired to believe in the unbelievable
Today I am inspired to Love
Today I am inspired to take in the cool air and imagine the possibilities
Today I am just inspired…..
Have you ever had a best friend in your life? A friend that isn’t just your friend but your mom? That’s how I feel about my mom…. If I have a problem with anything I know I can always count on her, I can only hope to be a great mother one day, the way she has been to me and my brother and sister.
I want to dedicate this poem to my mom… Happy Birthday Mom, I hope you are having a wonderful day; today and many more years to come.
Today Is your Day…
Today is the day I thank God
Not only for making you my mother
But for making you my Best Friend.
Today is the day I thank God
For having you in my life.
When I needed you the most you were always there for me.
When I thought my heart was breaking you cried with me.
When I thought I wasn’t good enough, you encouraged me.
When I thought life was too hard, you showed me the way.
Without you in my life I would be lost
You showed me to be me, you love me for me and you accept every part of me.
You are not only my best friend, but my mother
And I am the luckiest daughter in the world to have a mother like you in my life.
Today I thank God
Because without you I would be lost.
Happy Birthday Mom! I love you!
xo,
kristin nicole
“A mother is the truest friend we have, when trials heavy and sudden, fall upon us; when adversity takes the place of prosperity; when friends who rejoice with us in our sunshine desert us; when trouble thickens around us, still will she cling to us, and endeavor by her kind precepts and counsels to dissipate the clouds of darkness, and cause peace to return to our hearts.” –Washington Irving
Andrea Torres writes for the Miami Herald. I was talking with my best friend when she told me about Andrea, she is an old friend of her husbands and Andrea just found out that she has breast cancer. I tried to process this thought, and although I don’t know Andrea personally her story touched me. Cancer makes you think, it makes you wonder things you didn’t wonder about before. As I read stories on line and get to know people online, I see Cancer everywhere. It’s sad and it’s confusing to most. We wonder why such a horrible disease can reach such good people. I read Andrea’s story and I wanted to know more, I told my friend that I felt her story was incomplete, I felt like I wanted to get to know her better so I thought I would share her story with you.
At age 33, I’m dealing with breast cancer:
By Andrea Torres
atorres@miamiherald.com
The nightmare began when I found a lump in my left breast. I first felt it when I turned in bed. I woke up the next morning and rode four miles on my bicycle. I was in good health, and was convinced it would go away after my period.
It didn’t.
“It’s a thick fibrous mass with a cottage cheese texture. It seems to be expanding,” I said to an ultrasound technician at the Diagnosis Center for Women in South Miami. I was there for my first mammogram.
The technician moved a roller connected to a sonogram back and forth over my breast. She was staring at black-and-gray deformed spheres on a screen. Her silence was painful.
“I am so sorry. I will be right back,” she said.
I thought about death. My maternal grandparents had just died at the end of last year. My poor mom, I thought: How was I going to tell her?
The technician returned to the room with the center’s director of breast imaging, Dr. Carrie Horst. They both stared at the screen. This time, Horst was holding the roller.
“I am not going to sugarcoat this. I think this is breast cancer,” Horst said. “We need to schedule a biopsy.”
The ultrasound technician tried to comfort me when Horst left the room. “These are the days when I hate my job,” she said, while she hugged me goodbye. I didn’t tell my mom I knew it was cancer. I told her it was a possibility. She still cried.
Horst called me a few days later after the biopsy confirmed her suspicion. I learned that at 33, I was not too young for breast cancer.
Horst sent me to Mercy Hospital to meet Dr. Tihesha Wilson, a surgical oncologist. She explained that the pathology report revealed I had infiltrating ductal carcinoma. There were two tumors and “several smaller masses present in a satellite configuration” — about 3.5 inches in total.
“It’s going to be a tough year,” Wilson said. “You have to stay positive, and know that you are going to survive this. Many women have.”
She explained the course of treatment. It would feel like torture in a remote prison. She handed me a tissue box. I didn’t cry. I was numb. She gave me a hug.
After a PET-CT scan and an MRI, I visited Baptist Hospital’s Dr. Robert DerHagopian for a second opinion. He said a lymph node, which tested positive for metastatic carcinoma, would place my case at a stage 3a. The highest stage (4) compromises other organs.
“You’re going to be OK,’’ he said, as he hugged me goodbye.
I knew what cancer patients looked like. My long black hair was going to fall out, so I decided to get it cut. It was nearly down to my waist. It was the prettiest it had ever been — thick, beautiful and shiny. The thought that it would make a good wig for a little girl or a teen after I donated it to Locks of Love gave me strength, even though I knew that the organization sells some of the donated hair to cover costs.
A friend cut off my ponytail, before Carolyn Duffy, of Nue Studios in Wynwood, sculpted a cut that made me feel like I had been made for short hair.
“I can’t hide behind my hair anymore,” I said, as I left the hair salon looking like Tinkerbell.
“There is no reason for you to hide,” said Duffy, who gave me a hug.
It wasn’t until I was seated in the passenger seat of my brother’s car at a South Beach stoplight that reality hit. It had usually been shoes that caught my eye, but now I was staring at an aqua-and-black fedora. The woman wearing it waved and smiled. I didn’t want to be rude, so I waved back thinking she had mistaken me for somebody else.
What followed was painful. I heard her say, as she crossed the dark street, “I thought it was a guy.” Her friends laughed at her.
No one had ever questioned my femininity. Women had stared at me, because they liked my shoes, or my clothes caught their attention. Never because they thought I was a man. I got out of the car and speed-walked toward the beach.
I crossed streets recklessly, tears rolling down my face. On Collins Avenue, I stopped a woman with a shaved head. I explained my situation and asked her about hers.
“I shave it for fun. It’s my look,” said Muriel Amisodar, 40, who hails from Canada. “Without hair, my face is always glowing.”
She exuded confidence.
“You be proud of your beauty when the hair falls,” Amisodar said, before hugging me goodbye.
A person who can write about her disease is a strong person, I have faith that Andrea will get through this. In life we sometimes don’t understand why things happen to us, we can only surpass it and keep living and moving forward.
My prayers are with you Andrea, stay strong and keep writing.
Okay I have been with my husband for 4 years, For the first 18 months we were fine! The week after I gave birth to my first child, he was drunk and he beat me really bad. To this day my eye twitches because of it. Well he didn’t do anything like that for a long time, 5 months or so. We got married around our two year anniversary. It is like it all went down hill from there. I was pregnant again and he beat me all throughout my pregnancy. He kicked me in the back and when I told him he could hurt the baby and he said ” well it wasn’t in the stomach”. After I gave birth to my 2nd (2nd c-section) he beat me again because I asked him to change HIS FIRST diaper. He said it wasn’t his “job”. For the last 7 months I have been on new diabetic meds that doesn’t make me feel to good and on various occasions he has wanted sex, and when I say no he pretty much does it to me anyway. I had planned to leave him, he hasn’t done anything for about 7 weeks, but after all that I don’t think I could still stay with him. I just feel like I don’t feel the same anymore. Am, I wrong for feeling this way, I don’t know what to do anymore, I need some advise , someone to talk to anything. I need help with this situation, what should I do?
My Response:
Dear Abused Wife/Mother;
You are not wrong to feel that way, it is absolutely normal to feel like you lost yourself, to feel like you aren’t yourself anymore because your husband has taken away your faith. He has taken away your strength and your heart, and you have not only you to think about but your children. Do you want your children to grow up in an abusive house hold? First things first…You should have never married him after he beat you the first time, but you did and we can’t turn back time now. The second time he beat you, during your pregnancy should have been another sign that he had no regard for your life or for the life of your un-born child. Stop for a moment and stop coming up with excuses like “well it’s been 7 weeks since he’s done anything”. It doesn’t make it right! NO MAN should ever beat their wife or anyone for that matter. You need to be strong and I am not saying it’s going to be easy but do you have family that you can live with for a while? Take your children and go to court. I would not trust this man with my children, if he beats you it is possible he can become abusive to the children if he hasn’t already. You need to divorce this man, you need to press charges and you need to get out now. DO NOT let him suck you back into his life. He will tell you how much he loves you, how much you mean to me, that you are everything to him and that he is so sorry for hitting you and he will never do it again??! If he doesn’t go that route, he may try to threaten you and he may tell you that you cannot leave him. YOU ALWAYS have a choice to leave. If you feel that he may do something more than just beat you, you need to be close to family and you need to report him to the police. I understand that he is the child of your children but do you honestly think that this is a good father figure for your children? Do you want your children to follow the patterns into an abusive relationship in the future or become abusers themselves one day? This is what usually happens when a child grows up in this kind of environment. I would talk to a lawyer and make sure that he can only have visitation rights with a supervised visit. As for him forcing you to have sex, it doesn’t matter if he’s your husband in most states that is considered rape, even by a husband. GET OUT NOW! You need to be strong and confident and you need to be happy. You will never be happy living with fear.
I spent four years living with a guy who started off wonderfully but cheated on me constantly because he said I wasn’t good looking enough (but I had a ‘beautiful personality’) and then left one day and never spoke to me again. He stabbed his next girlfriend while high. Then I didn’t date for ten years as I traveled instead. I met a guy who was shy, humble, sweet and kind – he tried to con me out of money and told me how ugly I am. He wouldn’t touch me during sex. I just feel all out of self esteem. Men look at me in the street, but I’m scared to let another man near me. Both started off so wonderfully sweet. None of my friends guessed their true colors. How can I get some self esteem?
My Response:
Dear Self-Esteem;
Self Esteem is something you have to learn, you need to be confident in yourself. Lets start off with your first relationship, the moment he cheated on you, that should have been a clear indication to ‘GET OUT’, then when he told you that you were not good looking but had a “beautiful personality” that should have been a hint that he was just not that into you and that he clearly didn’t love you. Thank the heavens that he never spoke to you again, you could have been the next girlfriend that was stabbed while he was high, this guy was obviously a LOOSER!! You didn’t date for 10 years because you traveled, Okay…traveling is absolutely fabulous but you could have dated a foreign guy here and there just to spice things up, but whats done is done and now we go onto Boyfriend #2…. He was shy, humble, sweet and kind you say but he tried to “CON” YOU OUT OF MONEY, and he told you that you were ugly??? Okay did he tell you were ugly first or did he try to Con you out of money first, either way these were clear signs that he was no good. Most con guys will act shy and sweet at first this is how they get you to believe they are nice guys, don’t blame yourself, that is why they are called “CON ARTISTS”, this can happen to anyone, unfortunately because you didn’t have a relationship for a long time and the one relationship you did have was a verbally abusive one you already probably showed signs of insecurity. Have faith in yourself, if you don’t believe in yourself no one else will. I know it is easier said than done, believe me, I used to be very insecure, I always felt all my girlfriends were much more prettier than I was, and I was too skinny and my legs were ugly and well you get my drift. However, I was always strong in my personality, I would never let a man put me down, if I thought those stuff about myself I sure didn’t need someone else thinking them about me too, I needed a man who would compliment me and love me for me. I went through a few relationships until I found someone who I can be myself around with. There are plenty of guys out there, don’t give up. Don’t worry about what men think and just worry about what you think about yourself. I learned that I was skinny but a lot of guys liked that, and I grew into my awkwardness and realized I was pretty hot 😉
Be strong, don’t ever let a man put you down, the minute they do, that’s a clear sign to “GET OUT”! Don’t give up though, there is always someone out there for someone.
I have fallen out of love with my husband. I’m no really in love with him. He just kinda … became a bore to me and I’m getting sick of him. Also he has gained a lot of weight over the past few years and I’m not very attracted to him anymore.
I just don’t feel the same anymore as I used to. I’m ready to move on into the next chapter in my life. How do I tell the man that I want a divorce?
My Response:
Dear Divorce;
Sometimes we fall out of love and that’s okay, it just wasn’t meant to be, but we usually fall out of love because of reasons other than he just gained some weight over the years, because weight can be changed. However, if you really are ready to move on and you are not happy, it is not healthy to stay in this relationship and it is better for the both of you that you move your separate ways. It is not going to be easy, but no one can really tell you how to tell your husband you want a divorce. You can either do it in the comfort of your home or you can pick a public place to tell him (just in case you think he might make a scene). Be honest with him and tell him how you have been feeling and that you want a divorce. (I would leave the weight part out, but that’s just me). There really is no easy way to do this, so you made the decision to move on, make that decision to get up and tell him how you feel. Good luck
Would leaving my 10yr old stepdaughter with my abusive husband be selfish? I love her, she has been raised as mine and wants to come with me but taking her or even raising the desire to take her will open the door to the manipulation and disorder that I want to leave far far behind. My husband is an unmitigated narcissist who will withhold money, disrupt birthdays and holidays, tell hurtful lies, be violent or distant to me and the children anything that suits his current control needs. I can now leave all that but not if I have his daughter. But I know she will bear the brunt of all that if I leave her. What do I do?
My Response:
Dear Step-Mom;
First things first, did you adopt his daughter when she was little? If you did not adopt her I am not sure if you have any rights to having full custody, but you can talk to a lawyer and see what your options are. This is a very difficult situation because you do not want to stay in an abusive relationship but you can not leave your step daughter with him either if he is abusive. Find a way to either take full custody or see if there is someone that can fight for custody of her. I think that there might be a way to file custody for her if you choose to be responsible of her since she knows you and was raised by you. You need to find this out first and go from there, but it is not healthy for either of you to stay in a house if he is being violent with you. I hope this helps, good luck and I would love for you to keep me updated, I am interested in finding out if you are able to file for custody. I looked up a few sites and a few say you might be able to but nothing concrete. As to your original question of being selfish if you leave your step daughter with your abusive husband, I have to say yes, I know it is a hard position to be in, but you raised her and she should not be left with him alone, either fight for her or you need to make the decision of calling child services on him. It is a hard decision but I think your best bet is to go to a lawyer first and find out your options. Good Luck!
Do you think it is overrated to save your virginity until marriage?
Ii just want some honest input, if you’re not mature enough to answer than don’t. Since I’m asking for your input I guess I can give you mine. “I am 19 years old and in college and a virgin. I’m wondering if its just a silly pipe dream that I will find a girl who has the same morals as I do? It is not easy keeping it and honestly I kind of forget why I am sometimes. Any thoughts?
My Response:
Dear Wanting to wait;
I do not think it is overrated and I do think it is sweet, and it is hard very hard. Now a day’s a lot of girls and a lot of guys do not wait for marriage, but if this is something you truly believe in then I think you should stick with it. Perhaps join a church group, you might be able to find a girl that is still “pure” there rather than frat parties in college 😉 You might also find other guys that have the same morals as you do and it may make it easier to hang out with them then other 19 year old guys who are only looking to party and have sex. You are still young and you still have time to decide, but do not let others tell you that it is overrated or that you shouldn’t wait until marriage. If this is how you feel, I say go for it. Good luck.
