Just another WordPress site

Category: Advice

Need Advice? I’m here to help in anyway I can…. Ask me anything and I’ll tell you what I think…

  • Advice for living with a depressed person?

    The Question:

    My fiance is a manic depressive. We were engaged for 5 yrs, had a son. I was working full time 70 miles away from home, he was unemployed, staying home with the kids. The unemployment made him feel worthless and he stopped doing things around the house, was down 24/7, snippy, grouchy, etc. It got to the point where I left the house at 4am for work, got home at 6pm, and had to cook dinner, do laundry, bathe the kids, etc. I tried to help him, talk to him, love him. Nothing worked. He wouldn’t go to counseling because he didn’t have insurance, and he wouldn’t let me pay for it. After about a year or so, I couldn’t take it any more. I told him to move out. He left with nothing. He had no where to go. I felt horrible, but I felt like I had to do it to keep MY sanity and give my kids a good life. Flash forward. For the next “single” year of my life, I saw my ex-fiance at least 4 days a week. He would come to the house to see the kids, but he would spend most of his time telling me how much he loved me, how he had changed, and how he wanted his family back. He even admitted himself to a mental hospital for a few weeks and got on some meds. I am a pretty stubborn, independent woman, but after a year of this constant barrage of love and adoration, I gave in. I don’t want my kids to come from a broken home. My parents were married for 35 yrs before my dad passed. I thought I could make it work. It’s been 2 months. And about a month of that has been him being very insecure and depressed and just, well, weird. I am seriously considering just giving up. I don’t think I am a strong enough person to deal with an illness of this sort. He stopped taking his meds again because he doesn’t have insurance at his new job. I feel like a horrible person for not being able to deal with all this. I am afraid he will hurt himself if I make him leave again. His side of the family doesn’t really help him out, they don’t ever seem to see how serious things are. I guess I just need advice/opinions/and I’m sure I’ll get some haters.

    My Response:

    Dear Caregiver;

    You are in a hard position, because you have kids with this man I can understand not wanting them to grow up in a “broken home”, however with that said, is it any better for them to see their dad depressed all the time and acting the way he does and seeing you upset about it? It’s a hard decision and you have made it before, but I don’t find it selfish of you for thinking about yourself and your family before thinking of him. You can’t babysit him and if he can’t take control of his illness and find a way to take the medication to stay stable then there may be no hope for the two of you. Talk to him and explain to him that he needs to figure out how to get the medication or he needs to leave again. I know many people may find it selfish of you, or as if you were giving up, but sometimes we can’t control things in life, and we can’t fix them. You are an independent women and you will be fine; give him your support as a friend, and if you are truly madly in love with him, try to find a way to work things out, if you are staying with him just because of the kids, then re-evaluate your relationship and find a way to either stay together or move on. Living in a home with someone who is constantly depressed, insecure and so forth isn’t healthy for the children either, and don’t you think that is almost the same thing as a “broken home”?

    They will still have their father in their lives, and you will still be there for him as a friend, but you cannot stay with someone just because you feel bad for them. Live your life too, you deserve to be happy.

    xo,
    kristin nicole

    I found this question on Answers.Yahoo.com

  • I’m having sex problems with my fiance’, please help!?

    The-Question:

    My fiance’ and I get along great and in my opinion are very attracted to one another physically. The problem is that, during intercourse he comes quick. I’m talking 5-8 minutes! In the beginning it was not a big issue because he told me my body was just too good and he needs to get use to it. He does bring me to orgasm orally before sex, but like I said, “sometimes.”

    I have told him before that it bothers me and that I want to be pleased every time and his response was, “girls don’t need to *** every time” in a playful voice. I got pissed. I was so upset with him I called him selfish, inconsiderate, typical man…etc. He said what do you want me to do? Give you oral all the time? The way he asked made it seem like that was a bad thing as if he didn’t want to do it. We will have sex and in the middle he will stop to prevent himself from coming but I told him that just makes my arousal go down and now we have to start all over. I even give him oral before sex so that he can last longer but once he comes he’s tired and says his body can’t physically have sex. I even tell him sometimes before sex be prepared to go more than one round. Sometimes he does, but he still cums fast, and other times like last night he doesn’t even try to go again, he says he’s too tired. It gets to the point were I’m so angry I start throwing cheap shots or I make him leave the bed. Everything I have tried hasn’t worked.

    I read articles and books about teaching him how to please my body. I even tried to guide his hands to my sensitive spots and he’s groused out about touching my vagina. He doesn’t like the way that it feels and mentioned when he gives me oral he just closes his eyes so he doesn’t have to look. He quoted, “p***ies are ugly! I know what your thinking, how could I be with such a jerk? Besides the bedroom we have a really good relationship but our bedroom problems are now starting to effect my mood and how I feel about him as a whole. The reason I am so frustrated is because he has given me vaginal orgasms but only about 4 out of the hundredths of times we’ve had sex. I need for him to understand how important it is for me to have an orgasm too. We’re not trying to have kids so if we have sex it has to be enjoyable for both of us, if not why bother. I told him we’re going to have good sex or no sex. The reason why I am writing is because I am afraid that our sex problems will cause me to go astray. Not blaming or saying it is okay to cheat if your sex life with your partner is okay. But I must admit it has crossed my mind… Please Help….

    My Response:

    Dear Unsatisfied;

    Some men just can’t last long, and some can. Your man might be one of the few that can’t last long. This doesn’t mean he can’t please you in other ways… Sorry to say this, but he said “Vagina’s are ugly”. He actually said that??? He closes his eyes when he goes down on you, and that they are gross…. Okay this may be harsh to hear, but either your man is in the closet or he’s completely clueless. I am not sure how old you guys are, but this just doesn’t sound like a “GUYS’ GUY”. Most men like to please their women and give them oral sex, (yes not all the time), but they enjoy watching their women squirm for more. A man also NEVER and I mean NEVER says a vagina is “ugly” and or doesn’t like to touch it.

    Sex is a big part of a relationship; and if he is not satisfying your needs, don’t resort to cheating either talk it out and if things can’t change then you have a choice to make here. I understand the rest of your relationship is good, but this will definitely cause problems in the long run, and you don’t want to spend your time wasted on a man that can’t satisfy you. It sounds to me like you already tried helping him out and giving him hints as to what you like, and it seems to me like he isn’t getting it. Either live with the fact that he can’t satisfy you every time or move on and find a man that will. A man who is attentive in bed is a man you want around for a long time, a man who doesn’t care and calls your vagina “ugly”, feels it’s gross and doesn’t like touching it, is a man you have to truly question?!!

    Good luck

    xo,
    kristin nicole

    I found this question on Answers.Yahoo.com

  • My bf wants to get married but I don’t…

    The Question:

    Dear kristin nicole;

    I am going through a huge dilemma in my life right now. I am 23 years old ( Indian girl ). I have been in a relationship with this guy for 4 years. ( it’s long distance) for the first 2 years everything was fine, for the last 2 years, we have been facing problems. He is very possessive and insecure,he gets mad at me and it’s very bad, he loves making a big deal out of nothing and when I talk to my friends about it, they get so surprised about the fact that someone can be as insecure/jealous and as possessive as him. I get so scared every single time when he calls me. Every time I he calls I feel like it’s to have another fight with me.

    The only reason why I’m with him right now is that he blames me for not doing anything in his life for the past 2 years, and I feel obligated to stay with him. He stopped working when we were having problems, and now he has to start everything from scratch. He blames me for that and because of me he is not as successful as he is suppose to be ( he is 28). While on the other hand, I didn’t let these fights affect my career, so I didn’t waste any time.

    He is not as out going as I am, he is not as talkative/social as I am, he doesn’t have as many friends as I do, so he expects me to be like him; not go to any b’day parties..or clubbing…or hang out with any of my guy friends…

    My question is: is it right to blame myself that he didn’t do anything over 2 years? I never asked him to just stop his life!! In those 2 years, we didn’t talk at all for 6 months, so technically I wasn’t a part of his life for 6 months, he still didn’t do anything over those 6 months, and now he tells me that just because I hurt him so much with my arguing he cant focus on anything else, he only accepts things which he likes and doesn’t want to listen to my suggestions/opinions/likes/dislikes…

    Am I going to ruin my life by staying with him? He wants me to talk to my parents about marriage, but I really don’t feel like getting married. I am not excited at all about anything in this relationship, and I don’t even know how our future is gonna look like.

    On the other hand one of my best friends told me he likes me, he has supported me in every single step of my life, I respect him a lot. He makes me smile, he doesn’t expect anything in return, he knows about my complicated relationship with my boyfriend and I think I like this friend of mine. He is one of the most decent/caring guys out there and he has everything I ever wanted in a guy. What should I do?

    My feelings for my boyfriend died a year ago…. 🙁 but now he insists that I talk to my parents about marriage.
    Please help me!!

    ~from: a girl in dilemma~

    My Response:

    Dear a girl in dilemma;

    Let’s start with you staying with this man just because he chose to not work for 2 years. How in any way is this your fault? If he is blaming you it’s because he doesn’t want to blame himself for his life going down the drain. In no way is it your fault that he hasn’t worked, that doesn’t even make sense. We all make choices in life and he chose not to work and to not find another job. He is 28 years old not 18, he’s a grown man and it’s time for him to grow up and take responsibility of his own life. It is obvious to me (and you stated it: “my feelings for my boyfriend died a year ago”) then there really is no question here as to leave him or not. I think you already made the choice a long time ago, now you have to stand up and tell him how you feel. He may not let you go easily but you need to be strong, this is your life, and life is too short to keep wasting it with someone that you don’t love. You don’t live together and you have nothing together so it should be fairly easy to end things. Again he may not let you go that easily, if you aren’t getting along and he’s still proposing marriage then he obviously is in denial over your relationship. DEFINITELY, and I mean Definitely do NOT get married to this guy, you said it yourself “I really don’t feel like getting married”; you know the answer to ending this relationship, now all you can do is actually end it. Your boyfriend cannot force you to marry him, end things now, don’t waste anymore time being with someone you already know you don’t want to be with.

    As for your good friend, you can be having feelings for him just because he’s there for you and it’s comforting to have a man understand what you are going through since the relationship you are in is not healthy. I am not saying that these feelings aren’t real, but just take it slow. First deal with the relationship you are in right now, then take time for yourself to evaluate what you want in life. Take it slow with your friend and see if you really want to be in a relationship with him or if you want to just continue staying friends. If you see that you both really like each other then go for it, give it a try, but remember sometimes relationships can ruin friendships if it doesn’t work out, so just make sure this is what you really want before going into it.

    Remember you are the only one that can change your life, you are the only one that can move on from the relationship you are in and start living it with someone you actually love.

    xo,
    kristin nicole

  • Why does my wife no longer seem interested in sex?

    The Question:

    I am a devoted husband and father. I certainly help around the house, pay a substantial portion of the bills, and spend a lot of time with the children. I also keep myself in above average physical condition. I feel that everything is fine except our sex life. I try to be romantic (flowers/dinner), tell her how sexy she is, but my advances always seem to be met with opposition. This has gone on for about 3-4 years now. I’m not sure long I can accept a once a month or longer sex life.

    My Response:

    Dear Substantial Husband;

    You need to be open with your wife, maybe there is something going on with her that you don’t know about, and if it’s been 3 to 4 years of this, it’s time you get some answers. I know life gets busy and we all get tired, but once a month is unacceptable. Sex is an important part of a relationship and if you are doing all the right things (which it sounds like you are), helping around the house, being with the kids, staying in shape and being romantic then I really don’t see a problem here. Sounds to me, that your wife isn’t happy about something and the only way to find out what is going on is to straight out ask her. See if someone can take the kids for the weekend and sit down and talk to your wife about what is bothering you, a marriage a relationship is doomed with out communication, if you don’t talk about it now things won’t get better. It’s already been 3-4 years….don’t keep waiting to ask her what is wrong, and try to fix it and get that flame going again.

    xo
    kristin nicole

  • My husband hit me but I want him back…

    The Question:

    Me and my husband of 6 weeks got into a big fight and he put his hands on me.I went to the cops and he’s in jail. I want to drop the charges on him; I love him and we’ve been together for 6 years what should I do? Am I stupid to want him back?

    My Response:

    Dear Abused;

    You aren’t stupid, it’s natural to want someone back that you love, and sometimes we try to find excuses for the people that hurt us. Unfortunately it starts with putting his hands on you once and asking for forgiveness, stating he would never touch you again, then it goes into him hitting you again and making you feel like it’s your fault. It’s never a persons fault for getting hit, because no one ever deserves that kind of abuse. You did the right thing by calling the cops and I know it’s hard because you just got married, but you have been with him for 6 years, has he never once in that time placed a hand on you? Some men don’t become abusive until after they get married, because they feel it’s harder for the women to leave them. It’s ultimately your choice here on whether to drop the charges or not, personally, I think any man who hits a women deserves to be in jail and more. If he’s never done this before, offer marriage counseling, and anger management classes and go from there, but if this is something that has happened in the past, and you keep coming up with excuses for him and saying you love him and feeling bad for putting him in jail then STOP! You are worth so much more than that, you deserve someone who will love you so much they would NEVER lay a hand on you. Respect yourself enough to not get treated that way.

    xo,
    kristin nicole

    I found this question on Answers.Yahoo.com

  • My husband cheated…

    The Question:

    My husband cheated .. should I see it as a free pass?

    My Response:

    Dear Free Pass;

    If this is a question you have to ask “is it a free pass”, then more than likely you are looking for that free pass to get out. It’s not so much of a free pass, but self respect, someone shouldn’t stay with someone who is cheating on them. If you have been looking for a way out, then definitely take this as your “free pass” to get out. Don’t use it as the only excuse though, if you were looking for a free pass, there was obviously something there that you already wanted out on.

    If you are talking about having a free pass to cheat, then no I don’t think it’s a free pass. Two wrongs don’t make a right, and if you are only going to be cheating on each other then there is no true relationship there, you might as well just get out now, and be with whoever you want to be with. There is no such thing as a “free pass”.

    Good luck.

    xo
    kristin nicole

    I found this question on Answers.Yahoo.com

  • He keeps sending me mixed signals…

    The Question:

    He yelled at me I’m driving him nuts!?!? I don’t know what’s up with him. He says I can’t do nothing by myself, how I’m always bored, how we have to do everything together, how I should find someone else to go out with and so on! The truth is I have more friends than him, I’m more outgoing, I’m more independent than him, everything he accused me for is a pure lie! The next minute he nagged how I don’t shower him with attention enough in public! Just after he told me I’m clingy. When I said OK, we won’t see each other every day, I’m fine with it. He said he wants to see me and he is always first to invite himself to come to me and so on. What is this about?!?!

    My Response:

    Dear Mixed Signals;

    It’s time to sit down with your boyfriend and have a heart to heart. Maybe he’s confused as to where this relationship is going, but he is definitely sending mixed signals. One minute he’s asking you to give him space and almost acting like a jerk so that you would break up with him, and the next he wants to spend more time with you and be with you. Sit down with him, and ask him openly what is going on? If you want to stay in this relationship tell him you love him and are committed but you can’t keep going back and forth with him sending you mixed signals. Sometimes men don’t know how to communicate there feelings and so they act out in other ways, men sometimes also try to fight with us for no reason when they are trying to get out of a relationship but don’t know how. Talk to him, without communication you won’t get passed this.

    xo
    kristin nicole

    I found this question on Answers.Yahoo.com

  • Is there hope after love?


    The Question:

    “I don’t love you any more” I will never forget the day my wife told me those words…we have only been married for less than a year and been together for two years before that but it still felt like my my whole life was falling apart…people tell me I’m lucky we had no kids or that it happened now instead of 20 years down the road but that doesn’t seem to take away from the fact that I love her more than any thing…to be told your not loved by the person you built your world around will knock you down and I’m finding it very hard to get back up. I’ve moved away and I’m starting a new job but my hart seems to be stuck in the past, I still love her even thought I know there is no real hope of us ever being together again. I’ve started drinking which I never do but it seems to be the only thing that takes away some of the pain if only for a few hours; anyway this is not really a question its just me asking for others story of hope and recovery from losing love. Please tell me how you got over your loss of love and that’s its going to get better…right????

    My Response:

    Dear Lost Love;

    Being told by the person you think you’re going to spend the rest of your life with that they don’t love you anymore is heartbreaking, world shattering news. It’s like a train runs you over and you can’t move. A brick wall is standing in front of you and you don’t know where to go. Truth is, even though it hurts right now, and even though you feel like you will always love her and only her, time passes and does heal all wounds. It is true what people say, it’s better now that you didn’t have kids together, it’s better now than 20 years down the road after you lived half your life together, it’s just better now. This is true, but it doesn’t mean it’s going to make you feel better about the situation. You have to think though, did you want to stay in a marriage full of lies, filled with someone you loved so much but doesn’t love you back in return? Don’t you think you deserve to be loved the way you love them? There is no big secret about how to move on, there is no “do this”; “do that”, and you will get over it. Everyone is different and we all move on in different ways. As for your drinking, if it’s to try to make the pain go away, then that’s a problem, drinking doesn’t solve sadness, it only increases it. If you are noticing that you are drinking more, than you should be able to control it. It’s not easy moving forward when you thought you already had your life planned out with someone, but this is a new beginning, you have a new job a new place a new life…Think positive, I know it’s hard, but I promise, things do get better.

    xo,
    kristin nicole

    I found this question on Answers.Yahoo.com

  • My husband is too shy!?

    The Question:

    He gets worried when we go out, and just avoids people. If someone asks him a question or tries to start a conversation, he can’t speak and gets nervous and upset.
    He seems to be getting worse over the last few weeks. We stayed at his cousins house last week and he was to shy to ask where the bathroom was so he waited fourteen hours until we got home. What can I do?

    My Response:

    Dear worried;

    This is more than just being shy, have you guys gone to a therapist or a doctor to try and see what the problem is. There is something bigger here than just being shy. Your husband is a grown man and he waited 14 hours to get home to go the restroom (and he was at a family members house)? This sounds a bit too much to me. As for when he goes out with you he avoids people, perhaps he has a social anxiety problem where he doesn’t know how to control it and therefore gets nervous and rambles on when talking to others. Has your husband always been like this? Talk to your husband and see when this all started, then talk to a professional and try to figure out what you can do together to make it better.

    xo
    kristin nicole

    I found this question on Answers.Yahoo.com

  • Is he going to end our relationship?

    The Question:

    I am going through an awful time. I am going through a divorce and so is my boyfriend. We are in our 40’s.

    I feel so insecure at times. My boyfriend and I have been together 8 months and at the weekend I asked him if he loved me more than he did his wife. He said ‘no, but in time hopes to’. This wasn’t the answer I was hoping for as he always tells me he loves me so much and I do him.

    I thought we had got over it, but he rang me today and said he’s not sure if he can stay with me now I asked that question as I had no right and it has left him feeling very low.

    Is this because he misses his wife? I really love him and don’t want to lose him just because I asked one question. Surely if we love one another, we should be able to talk and ask anything which might be bothering us.

    Please help. I am so down today.

    My Response:

    Dear Insecure;

    Every love is different, that isn’t a question that you ask someone, and if he was married to her for many years I am sure he loved her a lot. This does not mean that he doesn’t love you any less or any more than he did her. It is a totally different relationship and you are both coming out of marriages that you were in for a long time. He may feel uncomfortable that you asked him that, and that he was honest with the way he felt. Perhaps you are asking too much from him right now? Although this is a question I would never ask because you are only looking to get hurt with that type of question. Have you asked yourself why can’t you be happy with the way things are? If what you are looking for is a deeper relationship and wanting to know where your relationship is going, well that is a totally different question that you need ask him. Talk to your boyfriend and tell him that you don’t want things to be awkward because of your question and try to fix things with him if you really want things to work out. Stop being insecure, if he didn’t want to be with you, he wouldn’t be. Know that you are sexy, beautiful and worth every minute spent with you. Love yourself and stop worrying about the rest.

    xo,
    kristin nicole

    I found this question on Answers.Yahoo.com