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Category: Advice

Need Advice? I’m here to help in anyway I can…. Ask me anything and I’ll tell you what I think…

  • Is it wrong of me to be happy that my ex died of cancer?

    The Question:

    She was a ***** and left me! I told her she needed me to take care of her illness but she wouldn’t listen! Is it wrong that I feel she got what she deserved?

    My Response:

    Dear Hurtful;

    Just because she left you does not mean you should be happy about her dieing of cancer. I am assuming you knew about her cancer because you stated “I told her she needed me to take care of her illness but she wouldn’t listen”, Did you ever think that perhaps she didn’t want you to go through loosing her to an illness that would ultimately end her life? Maybe she didn’t want you seeing her like that, and she knew that her cancer was more deadly then she led on to you? Or perhaps did you ever think that maybe now knowing that she did pass away from cancer that her leaving you was a little easier than having to watch her die? There are many different ways you can look at this, but to be happy she died of cancer just because she left you is just out right mean. No one deserves to have such a horrible illness and die in that way. No matter how much you may feel she hurt you for leaving you, remember not to judge those going through something you and I would know nothing about. Being there for someone with an illness this severe is hard, but being that person going through with the illness is unimaginable. You need to forgive her for letting you go, forgive and let that hate you hold for her out of you, because living with that hatred inside is not going to help you move forward.

    xo
    kristin nicole

    I found this question on Answers.Yahoo.com

  • Do I end it because of an email?

    The Question:

    Been in a relationship with my boyfriend for two years and we have a daughter together, things were rocky at the start as he cheated but he showed remorse and devoted himself to me and our daughter and things have been great with us. I have had suspicions about him talking to other girls on facebook so i made an account pretending to be this girl and when i logged in there was an email that said he wanted to catch up for a coffee, i am totally heart broken….do you think hes gonna cheat? just back from a nice holiday with his parents and everything was great, do i end it with him?

    My Response:

    Dear Snooping;

    Okay lets start off with the first obvious – HE CHEATED ON YOU once already… this should have been your first sign to get out and move on, I understand you have a daughter together but he cheated on you and the trust was broken and no matter how nice he acts or how things may seem like they are changing, it will always be hard to trust him again. The fact that he is on Facebook writing to girls and asking them to meet is a form of cheating. This does not mean he is physically cheating on you or that he has cheated again, but it is a form of emotional cheating. You have options. First I want to say that if you felt the need to snoop and make a facebook account to trick your boyfriend then the trust is obviously not there. Do you want to be in a relationship always wondering if that person is being faithful to you? Or a relationship that you can sit back and enjoy because you know that person would not do that to you? You have options, we all do. You can confront him and tell him about what happened (however, do not be surprised if he tries turning things around and saying he knew it was you all along, what are you going to do then?) You can go behind his back and have a friend he’s never met before meet him, and see how far it will progress (but do you want to put yourself through this?) Is it really worth it? If you have to go this far into trying to catch your boyfriend cheating, then to me, it’s just not worth it. If the trust is not there, there is no true relationship. If you can’t trust him and you think he is cheating on you, then you need to move on. I am not saying to end it because of an email, I think you need to talk to him first and tell him how you feel. If you know deep down you will never be able to trust him, you have to ask yourself a few questions and decide if this relationship is worth holding on to.

    Good luck.

    xo,
    kristin nicole

    I found this question on Answers.Yahoo.com

  • My dad is a bit of a drinker?

    The Question:

    My dad has always been a bit heavy with the alcohol and me and my family have noticed he gets angry when he drinks. He gets real abusive by telling me I’m fat or I’m not good enough in some way and yells saying how I’m not good enough. Afterwords he says he only does it because he loves me and wants the best for me. Today he came home drinking again and he practically sits on me on the lounge I did swear at him so he hits me over the head. Then I do retaliate by swearing at him more and he goes for a face slap but instead hits my nose, it was hard and it hurt. What to do?

    Additional Details

    I’m a 16 yr old girl and he wont go to therapy….

    My Response:

    Dear abused;

    This is a hard position to be in because you are only 16, and you shouldn’t be the one having to take care of this. Where is your mother in all this? If your mom is around, you need to talk to your mom and tell her how this is affecting you. No person, not even a parent has the right to verbally abuse or physically abuse someone. There are options though. First if your mom is around she needs to sit with your dad and tell him with you there, how you all feel about his drinking (you need to tell him this when he is sober). Some places offer interventions to try and have him commit himself into a facility for Alcoholics. If you do not have a mom around then you can try talking to him again and explaining to him how much this is hurting you, and that he needs to get help. Do you have other family members that can help you, somewhere you can go when he’s drinking? A child under the age can always get legally emancipated from their parents. (You can get more information about this here www.larcc.org

    If you can go live with another family member until your dad realizes what he is doing to you, perhaps this is your best choice at the moment. Your dad needs help, and right now you may be only getting a little slap and emotional abuse here and there, but things can escalate, and you need to find a way to let your dad know how you feel. Remember just because he does not want to quit does not mean he does not love you, alcoholic abuse is very dangerous and some people do not know how to get sober on their own.

    I hope this helps a little.

    xo,
    kristin nicole

    I found this question on Answers.Yahoo.com

  • Has my husband given up on our marriage?

    The Question:

    My husband packed his things and moved back in with his parents last weekend. He said things between us are not working out and he needs space and time to think things over. We have been both feeling taken for granted and I have been having trust issues since he started talking to his female friend again. The only time we have talked is when I called him (2 times) this week (thurs and sun). I know I should not have called, and that I am fully accountable for my actions, I just called in a moment of weakness. Sunday night, he told me if we went to a counselor and he/she could convince him this marriage is salvageable then he will try, otherwise he is done. He said “if they can change my mind, then I will give it another try”. He just seems like he has given up. Also when we talk he is very short with me and doesn’t say much. I feel so hopeless. He told me he would call weds with his new work schedule so I would know what day he can go to counseling, but now I am not sure if I want to go. He doesn’t seem like he will be very receptive so whats the point? I feel like I am dragging him there kicking and screaming. Should I just drop it and ignore him completely for a couple of weeks, or what? Please help!! I am still very in love with him, and want this to work. He says he still loves me, when I ask but not that he misses me. I feel so awful.

    Additional Details:
    I have apologized several times. He just tells me he knows I will revert to my old self, and that our relationship is too damaged. He said I had his love and threw it away. I know that I did. I have been working with a counselor on my issues and done a work shop already, but I can’t go it alone.

    My Response:

    Dear in a rut;

    It seems to me that your problems only progressed as time went on. It is hard to love someone and have the other person give up on you. With that said, you can still try marriage counseling but know that you cannot change a person minds, and person will only change the way he feels if he/she actually feels it and if he/she wants to change. Ignoring him is not going to make the problem go away, and if you really want to make it work, the only thing you can do is be honest about the way you feel, tell him about how you have been going to counseling to resolve your other issues and that if he still loves you and has any reason to try again, then counseling is a start. If he refuses and still says that he will go “if they can change is mind” then you really just have to sit down together and make a decision on what to do with your marriage. No one can change a persons mind about loving someone and wanting to be with that person, that is not how love works. You have to want to want that person, you have to want to make it work. If the love is not there, you can not force it on someone. Try talking to your husband, but this time face to face (not on the phone), I know it is hard, especially because you want to make it work, but you might have to come to terms with the fact that perhaps, it is over, and the best thing to do is just move forward with your lives.

    Good luck,
    xo
    kristin nicole

    I found this question on Answers.Yahoo.com

  • This is it… This is Life…

    Random Thoughts:

    Sometimes in life, life brings you unexpected news, or events in life that you never thought would happen. I sometimes wonder why things happen and I try to see that each event is only a lesson to be learned, but when that lesson involves someone dieing, what is the lesson in that? Perhaps it is not a lesson but a journey we have to go through to live and learn from. I rather not live through these times, I rather not know what it is to lose someone and I rather just forget what it felt like to love them. Wouldn’t it be so much easier if the pain we felt just disappeared with any memories of that person or pet or loved one? “Missing someone or something is sadness”. (kristin nicole)

    Each time you lose someone you almost lose a piece of yourself. If I were to count all the pieces I’ve lost, what’s left? Each time a sad moment pops up into your mind try to distract yourself, try to think of something positive something that makes you happy. As a human we tend to have more negative thoughts than positive ones, because it is easier for us to see ourselves fail than to see ourselves actually succeed. Why is that? Why do we think so negatively and why do we lose faith in life?

    Once upon a time, I lost faith, I lost hope, I lost love and I lost myself. Growing up I can not say I didn’t feel love, I can not say that I didn’t have love, family, or friends, but I can say that at one point in my life when things got hard I lost myself, and when I lost myself I lost faith and hope. I almost forgot what it was to be happy, to feel true love. When life gives you hardship, there is always a way out, there is always hope and there is always something out there better for you, you just have to believe. I believed that this was it, that what I felt was all there was, then for that one second I stood in my room and I closed my eyes, tears fell, and I realized that this can’t be it. If this was it, then why am I here, there has to be more than just ‘THIS’? There is always more, I have talked to people who have gone through worse things than I have, and I have read stories about people who have struggled all their lives, and that’s when you have to sit back for a moment and realize that maybe, just maybe the life you are living isn’t that bad.

    I have lost, I have gained, I have laughed and I have cried, but with all that, I have lived.

    Each part of me that you know is a part of me that loves, a part of me that wants only better, the part of me that has changed has been from life, and each of us has changed and grown from our experiences. You may not look at it the same way I do, but I promise you that there will always be at least one moment in your life that you will always remember, that one moment in life that you stop and say “THIS IS IT”….

    xo
    kristin nicole

  • I am blaming myself for the divorce!?!

    Blaming yourself is NEVER the answer!

    The Question:

    Despite the fact I was being emotionally & financially abused in my marriage. My ex neither loved me nor his child. I sometime end up blaming myself for what has happened. Because sometimes I raised my voice against his abuse and his mother’s insults. I sometimes wonder if I had kept my mouth shut and would have just put up with his & his mother’s verbal abuse towards me and my new born baby I would have still been married to him. Why do I feel that he got fed up with me because I replied back to him at times & complained to him against the verbal / emotional & financial abuse I was being subjected to ?

    How do I get rid of these feelings ? Did I deserve this ?

    Additional Details
    How can you respect someone who is abusing you on regular basis ? And someone who does not want to realize and fulfill your rights as a wife but wants you to fulfill all his rights as a husband ?

    My Response:

    Dear Emotionally Abused Wife;

    Why are you going back and forth with this, why are you asking questions you probably already know the answers to? Honestly if your husband left you, this is probably the best thing that could have happened to you. You talk about his emotional abuse and his mother’s verbal abuse towards you, yet you stuck it out why?? No one should have to endure any kind of abuse, and your baby was being subjected to this kind of abuse. This is not an environment to grow around in. If his mother was verbally abusive to you and he never stood up for you, what does that say about the kind of man he was? He turned around and continued the abuse because it is what he was taught, however; that does not make it better and it does not make it right for him to have treated you the way he did. You raising your voice, fighting for yourself when no one else would is NOT wrong, stop thinking that you are the one that did something wrong and just face the fact that your husband was a jerk! STOP Blaming yourself! Trust me, there are plenty of other guys out there that will treat you a whole lot better than your husband and his mother did. I can not tell you how to get rid of your feelings, this is something that will heal with time, however I can tell you that the first step is to get rid of your guilt. Feeling that you were the one that did something wrong, when it is clear it wasn’t you. No one deserves this kind of abuse, and do not ever think that you did something “wrong” to deserve the way they treated you. You do not Respect someone who is abusing you on a regular basis, because they are obviously not respecting you or loving you. You have to learn to respect yourself first, and then realize when someone is actually respecting you or not, and when that person respects you, that is when you respect that person back. A person who only wants to take, take, take like your husband did is not worthy of your love or anyone’s love for that matter. A relationship is not based on TAKE only, it is a hard working job of GIVE & TAKE! Do not ever settle for less because you feel you are not worthy of it, or that you feel that maybe you were the one doing something wrong when deep down you know they were emotionally abusing you in more ways than one, and it was not your fault by any means that they treated you this way. It is better for your baby and you to live in a home of peace, where your child is not subjected to this kind of abuse, and he/she doesn’t grow up thinking it is okay to treat other people this way.

    I hope that you gain the strength to move on, and move forward with your life. Change your ways and start respecting yourself. No one should ever receive emotional abuse and think it’s their own fault. We live in a world where sometimes we aren’t taught right from wrong, what your husband and mother in law where doing, was just plain WRONG!

    You can always try joining a spouse abuse support group in your area, talking about the abuse with other women who have gone through what you have gone through sometimes helps open your eyes.

    xo,
    kristin nicole

    I found this question on Answers.Yahoo.com

  • I’m pregnant with my bf’s baby but my husband doesn’t know…

    The Question:

    Dear Kristin Nicole;

    I need your help as soon as possible. I am a married lady with one child. My husband works far away and we have been having problems and I also found out that he was cheating on me and that further strained our relationship. I fell in love with a colleague at work and everything was rosy and so exciting. I have just found out that I’m pregnant with my lovers baby and I’m so scared of the consequences. I’m so sure that I love my boyfriend, but I’m no longer in love with my husband. My husband is trying to change to be a good person because he wants to save our marriage and at the same time I feel so guilty that I’m carrying someone else baby. I’m 5 weeks pregnant. When I told my boyfriend that I am pregnant with his child, he became distant and the relationship just turned sour. I’m so scared. He told me that I should abort. I’m scared of abortion. My husband doesn’t know that I’m pregnant. What should I do. Please help me.

    My Response:

    Dear Pregos;

    Your situation is very complicated. First things first, lets start with the fact that your husband cheated on you and you stayed with him. I understand he is trying to work things out now, but don’t you think it’s a little too late? You cheating on your husband was not the right thing to do just because your husband cheated on you, you really should have just ended things with your husband from the beginning. (I know it is a lot easier said than done), however with that said, you are now pregnant with your boyfriends child and he wants nothing to do with the baby or you. I cannot tell you to get an abortion this is a decision you have to truly make on your own, and having a child already you know what it is to take care of a child and give birth to a little human being. If you want to save your marriage which I don’t think you do because you clearly said you were not in love with your husband anymore than that decision seems clear to me. I know you do not want to hurt him by him finding out you are pregnant with another mans baby, but he has a right to know, and you both need to come to a conclusion on what to finally do with your relationship. As for your boyfriend, I do not think this guy is ready for a girlfriend or any type of relationship if the first thing he did when you told him you were pregnant was turn distant and run. If you decide to keep the baby, make sure it is because you truly want this child, but not because you think it may give you a chance to be with this new guy. Flings are just that, and perhaps this guy was just having fun with you, I know it is hard to hear, but you deserve someone better than your husband (who cheated on you) and your “boyfriend” who ran at the first sight of a true relationship and family. Deep down you know what you really want and need to do, you just have to take a few minutes to sit by yourself and take it all in. It is a hard decision but no matter what decision you make, it needs to be for you!

    xo,
    kristin nicole

  • Would you rather your husband was a fisherman or a footballer?

    The Question:

    Would you rather he sat by a pond all day, alone, reading and fishing, or playing football with his mates and going to the pub afterwards? Thanks for your answers!!

    My Response:

    Dear Intrigued;

    Sounds to me like there is a bigger question behind this question. I do not think I can choose what kind of husband would be better. A man who fishes all day or a man who has to play football and go out with his friends afterward? Either way he is not spending the time with you. I know men that like both, but they do not fish every day or weekend or play football with their friends only to go to the pub afterward. Perhaps you should just find someone who likes to do the things you like, and every man deserves a day to himself or an outing playing a sport with friends. I say join him while he fishes and get a tan, or join him and watch him play some football with his friends.

    Good luck!

    xo
    kristin nicole

    I found this question on Answers.Yahoo.com

  • Is my husband in love with his mistress?

    The Question:

    My husband has had an affair with a woman he used to work with for over 1.5 years, now. They’ve been back and forth but he always goes back to her and begs to get back together.

    Last week, she visited the office to see someone else and he invited her into his office. They had sex – I know all this from subsequent emails.

    In them, he discusses our kids and her son a lot, complimenting her mothering skills, how “strict” she is, how great it is that she chooses not to work (I do), and he even got to the point of illustrating to her what our oldest son would act like if he met her – and how much he would like her. He also made sure to tell her that he had just hung up on me to make sure he could see her that day…

    Does a man pursue sex/talks about family with the same woman for that long without being emotionally involved? Or is all of this proof that this isn’t just about sex for him? Please be honest.

    (Yes, I plan to leave him, I just want to know his level of involvement.)

    My Response:

    Dear Cheated on;

    First let me say that I really hope you do end up leaving him, because no women should have to bare such disrespect and something so disgusting as cheating on their family. Second….Does it really matter how emotionally involved he is? Regardless if a man cheating says it was only about the sex, emotions are always involved. For your husband to be giving this women details about his children could mean he is more emotionally involved than just being there for the sex, but it could also just be him lying to her to keep her around. Either way, I say he’s in too deep and giving information about your children to another women who knows he’s married is just sick. Leave him and keep those emails for your lawyers. You deserve so much better than that…..you deserve a real man who won’t cheat on their family.

    xo
    kristin nicole

    I found this question on Answers.Yahoo.com

  • Which would you HONESTLY leave your partner for first…?

    The Question:

    Cheating or domestic violence? We’re talking ONE affair/one-night stand versus ONE incident of putting their hands on you in a violent way, e.g. slap, kick. Not years of repeated offending with either or both of the two behaviors.

    Which isolated incident would have you out the door first? Note that I’m asking about what YOU would do, and not what you think it’s right for someone to do. What does your personal instinct tell you? I was discussing this with a friend the other day, and we’d be grateful for what others think, too.
    Thanks 🙂

    Additional Details
    I don’t mean that if they both happened to you one after the other which one would you leave them for first… I mean, if you imagined that they did each one SEPARATELY, then which do you think you would have the worst reaction to and want to run away from them immediately? Consider each independently, without reference to the other. Sorry…should’ve made that clear!

    My Response:

    Dear Curious;

    Personally I would leave my relationship for either one. Each one is just as bad in it’s own way, no gray lines here. If your boyfriend/girlfriend cheated on you, it’s a sign of disrespect for not only you but your relationship and there is no way I would stay in a relationship knowing that person cheated on me with someone else. The trust will forever be lost, and without it, there is no true relationship. Domestic Violence is in a totally different category and this is something that no person should have to go through. I wouldn’t just be out the door, I would be calling the cops on this person in a heart beat. No one has the right to put their hands on someone else no matter how upset they are. Curious myself as to how you and your friend got into this conversation?

    Remember respect for oneself is the greatest feeling one needs to have for a healthy relationship.

    xo,
    kristin nicole

    I found this question on Answers.Yahoo.com