Category: Relationships

The Question

Dear Kristin Nicole;

You had replied to one of my posts in Yahoo. Well…here we go again. My daughter has been doing really good, sports are going good, friends are good however I do notice that she tends to be a loner at times. I know some of her friends are doing things that she is not ready for (sex) which I’m so proud of her. The only thing that worries me is that I notice that she has this pattern with guys that she dates. She has never “made out” with a boy and I’ve told her never to do anything she is not ready for. However, she will like a boy a lot and text them all the time and when they eventually start dating, she pulls herself away. After a couple weeks she will get annoyed with them, say they text too much and want to be around her too much etc. Well once she breaks up with them, she loves being single again hanging with her friends etc but then starts to want a boyfriend again. However it starts all over again. Once they become really close she pulls away. I hate the way she treats these boys and I’ve told her that she needs to stop treating them like that because she will be labeled as a tease. I think she is afraid they will want to make out so she pulls away. And I told her that is perfectly fine but she needs to let him know she’s not ready so they don’t get upset because of her pulling farther and farther apart. This boy she is currently dating is so sweet to her. He cares about her feelings and has no intentions to do the things she is not ready for. but she is starting to pull away again. I feel like I’m in the middle because I have him texting me asking me if she’s ok and her telling me she likes him but is annoying etc. I told her that she always does this and then regrets it later and want them back. Same old routine. My question is, how do I just stay out of it. I told her if she breaks up with him because of that then she will not date until she is 16. Am I wrong for that? My husband thinks I get too involved and I’m sure I do, but I just want her to treat others the way she wants to be treated. It literally drives me in sane. I wish I could just stay out of it, but like you said 2 years ago, maybe I am trying to live my life through hers. How do I change it and just be a mom?

Thank you,
Mommy II

My Response:

Dear Mommy II;

I am going to jump to the point on this one. At first I started thinking why your daughter may be acting like this with her boyfriends but once I read your entire question I realized that this is sometimes normal in teenage girls. I used to know a lot of girls who would have boyfriends for a week or two and then break up with them. I definitely would let her know that she should not do anything she is not comfortable with but I also agree that she should not tease them because what you say can be true, they can later start portraying her as the girl who teases the boys. Sometimes kids can be cruel, and she needs to know the consequences that come with that. If the boyfriend is texting you, I would just tell him that you are sorry your daughter is pushing him away but that you really do not know what is going on in her head. Try not to get involved by having boyfriends text you or always trying to tell her not to tease them, maybe she doesn’t know how to really express herself to you. It sounds to me that either she just truly gets bored with the boys (which in time this will pass), or she is scared to kiss the boy and the boy judge her on her kissing, since she has never kissed anyone before. Ask her nicely if she is scared to kiss boys because she is scared of what they will think, and explain to her that there is nothing to be worried or scared about. In the meantime enjoy the fact that she doesn’t want to kiss boys yet, because once she starts you will be worrying about all the other stuff that comes with kissing boys. I know it’s hard to stay out of it, as a mother you want to protect her, but sometimes we need to let them make their own mistakes. I am not a mother so I am not going to try and understand what you are going through, but I have a mother who goes through similar feelings with my sister and I am always there to help and give advice. It’s hard to see your child make mistakes, but making mistakes is what helps us grow. Think back to when you were a teenager, sure we wish certain things turned out differently but in the end, we wouldn’t be who we are or where we are if we didn’t go through what we went through growing up. Be there for her when she needs you to be, but try to not get too involved in telling her what to do. Sometimes teenagers think parents don’t know anything, and so she might be ignoring your advice, not on purpose but just as normal teenagers do.

Remember that teenagers aren’t the easiest to talk to, but also remember that even though you think she may not be listening, she is… so don’t ever stop worrying about your daughter and don’t ever stop giving her advice, just remember there is a limit to giving advice. There is only so much advice you can give her, in the end she needs to make her own choices and she needs to learn that teasing the boys is not good on her reputation nor is it good for herself esteem. Try to talk to her where you aren’t trying to pry into her business, but where you are just a little concerned for the boys she is dating. She needs to know that she needs to treat others as she would like to be treated. Hopefully this is just a phase, and you will later be worrying about if she is going to have sex or not with her boyfriend haha 😉

I hope this helps.

xo,
kristin nicole