Category: Relationships

The Question:

Dear Kristin Nicole;

I moved to Pgh to finish my degree and I started looking for someone of the fairer sex when I arrived. I used an online dating site, and I made contact with a wonderful girl. We e-mailed and talked on the phone, eventually had a first date that went well. The next few nights after our first date, we hung out and it was wonderful. I think we’re incredibly different, but its really nice. She’s a post-grad law student and I’m trying to bag an AS in Air Traffic Control and I have no major interest in going too much further, I’m more about building my pilot resume than additional degrees. I’m more of an outdoor kid and she’s not as much. I have some type of free time, and try to have as much free time as possible, and she doesn’t. This is one of the reasons I’m writing, I am also writing to seek advise on what I can do to make us “exclusive”.

When I initially looked at her profile, one of the comments on the page referenced her insane schedule and how someone would have to be okay with that, but that she would make time for the right person. I was cool with that, my schedule is crazy as well, but hers is unbearable. I understand the need to succeed and for professional development, but I don’t get the insane extra things she takes on. Also, I hate hearing about the most recent additional undertaking, as that’s even less time I’ll have to spend with her. The few hours a week is hard enough, I’m used to more. How do I get used to this, or express my feelings about this without sounding like a complete jerk? I want her to do well and go far, even if we don’t, so I am not completely against it all. I just want to tell her that I kinda need more time with her, without making her feel guilty, overwhelmed, or bitter for entering the relationship.

My second question involves the status of our relationship. I’m not a huge dater, never been that great with the ladies, and you know this seeing as we used to hang in SD, so I’m not juggling dates that often or trying to make a decision on who I should go out with. After the first date, the second was a movie and make out date at my apartment the next night, and the following night she had me over to a BBQ with some of her best friends. I was nervous about the meeting of the friends, as sometimes they are more judgmental than when you meet the father for the first time. Things went well and we talk everyday, and I assumed we were a step above dating, but not too much more than that. I was talking to a close friend a few days later and our topic of conversation got me thinking about what our status was. I asked, and while we were chatting about it, I found out she was still visiting the site we met from and was currently online. After the third date, I shut my profile off, as I felt it would be the more honest thing to do. Her answer to the what is our status was dating, but she isn’t seeing anyone else. How do I make this go to exclusive? She wants to take things slow, as time is at a minimum, but I can be slow exclusively! I didn’t mention anything about the activity on the dating site, should I? What is my best course of action here, I’m so damn lost.

What do you think? I know I already said it once, but I really like her, but I’m not sure how to proceed. I could walk away, find someone that had time to spend and go on, but I don’t want to always wonder. At the same time, I don’t want to wait forever for something that’s not going to happen. I’m trying my best to stay optimistic, but its hard sometimes.

Thanks for your thoughts!

My Response:

Dear Speak Up;

I’m so happy that you have found someone you like, however, your schedules seem very busy and sometimes unfortunately we meet people at the wrong times in our lives. Don’t take this has a bad thing though, sometimes it works out. Just be honest with her. Take her out on a date and tell her how you feel, tell her that you want to take things slow but that you want to make things exclusive (I know it sounds corny) but ask her to be your girlfriend. I’m an old fashion kind of girl when it comes to that and I think it’s cute and sexy all at the same time for a man to be able just ask for what he wants. Don’t be out right front with her and demand she spend more time with you, explain to her that you understand you both have busy schedules but that you really would love to see her more often and then go from there. (I wouldn’t mention her status on the dating site until you are officially exclusive). If you really like her and want a relationship with her then go for it, you’ll never know if it will work out if you don’t try. If in the end it’s just too hard because of your schedules and different lives then the best thing to do after that is move on. If you guys are totally different and you are just physically attracted to her then maybe it’s best to move on now. I mean you are an out door kind of guy, don’t you want a women that loves the out doors just as much as you so that you can have adventures together? And even though she’s not an out door kind of girl you can always try to see if she’s willing to try. I never listened to certain music until I got with my boyfriend, sometimes we change what we thought we didn’t like into something we actually enjoy for the people we love. (You guys aren’t quiet at the love part yet) but if she really likes you and wants to try to take it to the next level with you then maybe she’ll be willing to try some outdoor activities. If you met her friends already and she’s hanging out with you when she can then this is a good sign that she does like you, so if you don’t want to have your relationship status up in the air, talk to her and be honest with how you feel. Tell her you want to take things slow but that you want to make it official….If she’s not ready for that then move on before your feelings get more involved. You are a great guy, you just have to have a little more confidence in yourself, life’s too short to keep holding in all those feelings, let them out and tell her how you feel.

xo,
kristin nicole

The Question:

I get cheated on, the I love you but not in love with you speech, have to deal with him moving out, all the pain and what is he doing?? Getting a “great” new place to live…
Posting on FB obscure stuff like “waiting, hopeful, ready, wondering”. I don’t know if that is in regards to a job promotion, getting his new place, the married girl he is “seeing” or what.

I know! I am not supposed to look. I have been so good with no contact. But, tonight all alone and hurt– and he is out and about and happier than ever. Is that real???

Has anyone been through this? How do you deal?
And is it a little disrespectful, it has only been 3 weeks! Why would you post things like that? And he wonders why I wont respond to him.

My Response:

Dear Dumped;

Break ups are never easy, especially when you are the one being dumped. There are reasons we’ll never understand of why men do the things they do or say the things they say. You have to just take it as it is, and it’s not easy. First stop looking at his Facebook status you are only torturing yourself and it is not going to make it any easier. He left you to move on with his life so that is what he’s doing, if he cared at all for you, if he truly loved you he would be with you. He was honest with you and at least you have that. Trust me what goes around comes around, he’s with a married women, more than likely it’s all fun now but in the end it most likely won’t work out and he’ll be lonely wishing he would have seen what a great women you are. Or he can turn around one day and know that he did the right thing by leaving you, and you’ll realize it too, that in the end it’s always meant to be. If someone doesn’t love you, if they aren’t truly 100% in love with you, then you don’t want that person to pretend, you don’t want them leading you on into thinking you have a life together when all along they aren’t even happy, trust me that’s much worse. I do think it’s disrespectful that he’s moving on so fast, considering you lived together, but that should only show you the kind of man he really is. Get out there, stop looking at his posts on Facebook and start making your own posts. Be positive, stand strong and I know it hurts now, but it will get better. Go out with your friends and get your mind off him, move on….Start new…..

xo
kristin nicole

I found this question on Answers.Yahoo.com

The Question:

Why does my wife only want to have “relations” when I’m sleeping?
Not that I’m complaining…I will take what I can get. But the only time she initiates is when I’m sound asleep sometimes I’m so “out of it” I vaguely remember it and I have to ask did we do it last night? What is with this? Is it some fetish of hers?

My Response:

Dear Sleeper;

This can definitely be a fetish of hers, maybe you being a little out of it turns her on. Personally I find it a little strange but hey to each their own. Why don’t you talk to your wife, maybe she’s hiding some secret fetishes that she wants to display and you are sitting back not asking and falling asleep in the process. Open up to her and maybe your sex life will get even more interesting.

xo
kristin nicole

I found this question on Answers.Yahoo.com

The Question:

An ex- girlfriend of my boyfriends will not leave us alone. She cannot handle the fact that I am now with him. She is forever sending extremely rude unnecessary emails expressing her anger and hatred and starting highly inappropriate rumors. In simple terms, she’s crazy. What can I do? Shes wrecking our relationship and my life…

My Response:

Dear New Girlfriend;

It’s a hard place to be in because you can’t really stop her from starting rumors or sending you emails. You can do a few things, one change your email address so she can’t email you anymore, two talk to your boyfriend. This is his ex and he needs to stand up to her and tell her that it is over and she needs to please move on. To be mature about things and stop spreading rumors about his girlfriend/you.

I once was with a guy who got back with his ex and she phone/email stalked me even after I broke up with him and she was back with him. Girls like this are immature and insecure, and it is hard to make them understand that what they are doing is immature and totally ridiculous. At the end of the day they broke up, I changed my phone number, email and anything possible that she may contact me with. I hated to do it, and I was very stubborn not wanting to change my phone number, I went through this for 3 straight months, phone calls at all hours of the night and more. I changed my number mainly because I got a new phone with a different company but it helped that she finally backed off.

As for your situation it is different. Have you tried emailing her back, I know it’s hard to be nice to someone who is crazy but try to tell her that to be grown up about this situation and back off. Spreading rumors about you or emailing all the time is not going to change the facts. It’s hard and hopefully you can get through to her, if you can’t, like I said earlier, this is your boyfriends ex, not yours. So let him deal with it. Ignore her rumors don’t give her the satisfaction that it is bothering you. True friends won’t believe the rumors and they will shortly pass.
Good luck.

xo,
kristin nicole

I found this question on Answers.Yahoo.com

The Question:

If you find out that your husband or wife after several years of being together and married is into the same sex and never told you, and you find out by reading their chat history and they have been this way there whole life. They have also been camming online and chatting very sexually with men and woman. How do you bring it up?

Additional Details
Thank you. I don’t want a divorce i love my husband very much. I don’t care if he is bi. I just don’t want to be lied to and hurt. I just don’t know how to bring it up. I’m afraid he will turn on me and say well get over it or get out. Without any remorse.

Like I said before the him being bi doesn’t matter. I don’t care about that. It’s the fact that I was not told. After all this time that I have invested in our relationship and thought that we were open to each other I find out that we are not i feel like I have been living a lie. It bothers me he is cheating mostly…he says anything online is a fantasy not real…

My Response:

Dear Lied to;

Let’s not jump to conclusions, how do you know that he’s talking to other men on line (by their screen names?) or have you seen actual pictures. If your husband is bisexual then perhaps there is a deeper meaning behind it all, of why he hasn’t come out and told anyone. Why he got married to a women and why he is now hiding it all. I have known people who were married with children for years, and later came out that they were homosexual. Some people hide behind what they think society wants them to play, a straight man with a family is a lot easier understood then a man living with another man or women with another women. It is not something that is easy to bring up, but you deserve to know the truth. If you do not mind that he is bi-sexual (if that is the case) then that is 100% your choice to deal with, however I have to bring up him chatting very sexual things with men and women…. (It is not just a fantasy world this is a form of emotional cheating). Do you want to be with someone who is needing to chat with other people behind your back? Homosexual or not, this is not right, especially in a marriage. If you are married, you are solely committed to each other, there is no need to be sneaking behind your partners back talking and chatting with other people. You have a big question on your hands, first this isn’t going to be easy but the best way to confront this is straight on (there is no easy way and it is going to be uncomfortable for the both of you). After finding out what is really going on, then you’ll have to go from there. Do you stay with a man that is possibly bi-sexual (what does this mean?) Even if he’s bisexual does it mean it’s okay for him to be with other men while married to you? These are things you have to think about. I know you love him but think about what he is doing to you? First off by NEVER telling you the truth about his sexuality. Second going behind your back talking to other men and women. This is unacceptable, you have to have respect for yourself and see that what he is doing is wrong.

xo,
kristin nicole

I found this question on Answers.Yahoo.com
Talk to your husband, communication is key to helping any relationship.

The Question:

Dear kristin nicole;

I have read all your blogs and I have decided to write you my concerns hoping to find help by answering all my questions,
but before that I need to narrate what happened.

My husband and I were together for 13yrs and married for 4yrs now we have a 3.5 yrs old daughter,he was my first love.
He is working for a luxury cruise line and away for 10 months.

It came to my attention recently that he’s been involved with a 21yrs old passenger and just last year he went off to London. He said that he will try to find a job there, but all along he was with her. He stayed in her house, and when he came back he was a bit cold. He doesn’t want sex, he told me that he’s no longer happy; as a wife I tried to fix whatever it is that was bothering him cause I thought this was just about money. He is depressed and I did whatever it takes for him to feel that he is not alone. On March 2010 he went back on board I thought we were ok then.
After he flew for work he will only place a call once a month and I never hear him say I love you…(Kristin I know you will tell me that he doesn’t love me anymore.)

In short my husband is having an affair and he’s been cheating on me for 4 long years, I read all of this from his emails that I don’t know about.. I confronted him and ask him all the questions that I am entitled to know; also I told him that I will report this to his manning agency here in the Philippines. He answered everything, and explained that he used the girl for him to have a job in London. He only did it for us to have a good life and to find a stable job but all he’s emails doesn’t look like he’s using the girl. He is begging me to accept him again not for the sake of our daughter but for the sake of our relationship, he also told me that he does not love the other women.

My question is:

1. Is he trying to fix this situation because he’s just afraid he might be terminated?
2. Does he really love me or he is already involved (emotionally) with this girl cause I’m thinking that aside from he opened up to me that he is no longer happy he doesn’t call us more often and no I love yous than the usual.
3. I am thinking of leaving him for him to learn his lesson and prove to him something but he is begging me not to do it; my worries is what if he is just doing all these sorry stuffs but in the long run he will only leave us.
4. What do you think the best thing to do cause my mind is all mixed up…

Kristin I know you can help me please do help me…
Looking forward for your reply.

~ms. blue

My Response:

Dear ms. blue;

Lets start off with that you have been married for four years, and he’s been cheating on you for FOUR years! He’s been unfaithful to you and your family from the moment you got married? Is this the type of person you want to truly spend the rest of your life with? I understand that some couples have to sacrifice time away from each other and I do not know the situation you are in at home financially, but being away for 10 months is way too long, when you have a wife and a child at home. You already said to me: “(Kristin I know you will tell me that he doesn’t love me anymore.)” I can’t say that he doesn’t love you, I am sure that a part of him does, because that is why he stayed with you, and that is why you have a child together, but loving someone and being in love with someone are two different things. Your husband has cheated on you and it doesn’t just affect you, it affects your daughter, your family.

Your husband only wanted to make it work when you threatened to tell his manning agency (I am assuming they do not tolerate infidelity). Do you realize that it wasn’t until you threatened him to tell his agency about the affair did he then only asked you not to leave him? Of course he is going to tell you things like, he doesn’t love this other women, and that he was only with her to get a job. “He did it for you”. REALLY?!? So is it okay for you to sleep with another man to get a better job? But it’s okay if you did it for him, right? NO IT’S NOT OKAY!!! That is a lame excuse and you should not fall for it. You need to have respect for yourself, love yourself, and realize that even though it hurts, even though you love him, that you deserve better than this!

To answer your questions directly:

1. Is he trying to fix this situation because he’s just afraid he might be terminated? I think you already know this answer, if not you wouldn’t be asking it. Like I already said, he didn’t start asking you to come back to him, or begging for you not to leave him until you threatened to tell his agency. What does this tell you?

2. Does he really love me or he is already involved (emotionally) with this girl cause I’m thinking that aside from he opened up to me that he is no longer happy he doesn’t call us more often and no I love yous than the usual? If the girl he was cheating on you with is 21 and he’s been cheating on you with her for 4 years, are you telling me that she was only 17 when he started sleeping with her? Okay 1. That is wrong on all levels. 2. If it is the same girl for 4 years then I think it may be clear to say that yes he is emotionally involved. 3. A 21 year old was supposed to get him a job in LONDON???? How much power does this girl have over there? 4. Are you sure this is the only girl he’s had an affair with?
He doesn’t call you and he doesn’t tell you I love you, does this sound like a man who really wants to save his marriage?

3. I am thinking of leaving him for him to learn his lesson and prove to him something but he is begging me not to do it; my worries is what if he is just doing all these sorry stuffs but in the long run he will only leave us? Do not leave him for the reasons you say. You leaving him is not going to teach him any kind of lesson he already doesn’t know. You can not leave him expecting him to learn some kind of lesson and come running back to you. You should leave him because he was unfaithful, you should leave him because you deserve someone to love you for you and be faithful to not only you but your daughter. Think about your daughter, is he?

4. What do you think the best thing to do cause my mind is all mixed up??? The best thing for you to do is really think about what you are feeling, read what you wrote to me, and truly find it inside you to get up and be strong.

No one deserves to be cheated on, no one deserves to feel the way you are feeling right now. Your husband has cheated on you, he’s betrayed your trust and your love. He has only asked for you not to leave him once you threatened to tell his agency, and he barely calls you or tells you that he loves you. He’s not only NOT calling you, he’s not calling to speak to his daughter that he barely sees. Is this a marriage? Is this a family? Have respect for yourself and love yourself. You can only be strong once you realize that you deserve a real man! A man who will work for his family but not cheat on his family.

xo,
kristin nicole

~Remember to always respect yourself and love yourself, this is the only way one can see the truth in what we don’t want to see.~