Is this adultery to you guys or not….?
A spouse moves out then starts to see someone else is that adultery?
My Response:
Dear Curious;
Depends where you are from. You can call any lawyers office in your area to find out for free. If you are from Florida, Florida is a No Fault State. There are no legal documents for separation and once you are not living together you are technically separated, so it does not count as adultery. Find out by a local lawyer in your area, but if she’s/he’s moved out and they are now with someone else then why bother worrying about adultery, at least they moved out before starting a relationship, and if they moved out there are some issues that need to be resolved, I don’t know the whole story so I’m not sure what else is going on in this situation. Good luck….
I am 26 and engaged to my fiance who I have been with since I was 19 years old, (engaged for 2yrs). We have a 2 year old daughter and I had our second child, a son, the started off this year with a really bad liver. We both started fighting as our son couldn’t leave the hospital and I would turn on him for the littlest things, he would always tell me how much he loves me & how he needs us, he grew up in a hard upbringing and I grew up with hard working parents. After one of our arguments he left our house in a temper & got arrested for aggravated assault, He is serving 15 years and is up for parole in 2. I felt like my world was coming down on me. My son died 6 weeks ago and I went to see my fiance & I blamed him for his death & for not being here for me and his daughter. He just looked at me and said that he knows I don’t mean that, that I just need someone to blame and that he loves me. His mom said he is distraught he has been put on anti-depressants, he always told her how much he loved me, the thing is, he is his own worst enemy, and he reacts before he thinks. He told me last week that he knows its selfish of him but he wants me to wait for him as he cant stand the thought of me being with somebody else. I don’t know deep down if I can deal with knowing the man I love & want to marry will be in prison for that amount of time. I have a really good job that keeps me busy but my mind always goes back to thinking about it, Any advice would be great
My Response:
Dear Fiance;
It is a hard decision to make. On one hand he wasn’t there for you while your son died and that’s the time you needed him the most. He may only be in Jail for 2 years but the choice that you have to make here is one (can you wait for him for 2 years or more) and two (he’s actually going to prison, is this the type of man you want to spend the rest of your life with) a man who can not control his temper, a man who runs from his problems when things get hard? Granted you said you got upset at him a lot and sometimes that happens with couples who are going through hard times, especially in the situation that you were in, you have to realize that this wasn’t easy for him either and he too lost a son. A lot of girlfriends/fiance/wives wait for their men to get out of jail (depending of course on what they did). If you really love him and this is the one person you truly want to spend your life with, then wait, but if you are blaming him for your son’s death, that is something you truly need to get passed before being with him. Your son was sick and it was not your fiance’s fault, however I understand being angry at him for not being there with you during this time. He definitely should have at least been there with you guys. No one can really tell you what to do here, you have to first forgive him in order to move forward with him and you have to then truly decide if this is the kind of person you want to spend the rest of your life with. You are still young and you have choices in life, sit back and take a look at everything that has happened, maybe even write down on a paper all the good things about him and all the bad and weigh them out, if at the end you just know you love this man and want to spend the rest of your life with him, then it’s your choice to wait for him, but remember he’s up for parole in 2 years, that doesn’t necessarily mean he will be out in 2 years (can you wait that long)? And most importantly can you forgive him for not being there with you when your son passed away? I am truly sorry for your loss.
My Ex is seriously driving me insane. She always comes and go’s when she wants even when we were together. I always did everything for her, bought her so many nice things got her medicine and took care of her when she was sick. I always put her first and she never gave me any appreciation in return. In the start of our relationship she would always tell me how much she loved me and it made me feel so good.
I gave up everything for this girl my friends, my job, my life just to try and make this stupid girl happy but it was never enough, she always wanted something more from me and what I gave her wasn’t enough. Now she won’t even return my phone calls I want to forget her but I can’t…
I want to move on but I want what I cant have and shes playing that card on me, how do I overcome this huge obstacle especially when she ruined my life.
My Response:
Dear Obsessed;
We all have choices in life, you chose to leave your work and friends for this girl, she did not make you do those things, so you can not blame her for “ruining your life”. You did that all on your own, and you are still stuck in that cycle right now. She obviously does not love you, to allow you to do the things you did. A women who truly loves their men would help them in their career, would hang out with their friends friends and they would not be so selfish as to want everything for themselves. You are infatuated with this women and right now you want what you can’t have. Sit down for a moment and really evaluate your relationship and read what you just wrote. Is this the kind of women you really want in your life? You obviously know she is no good for you and she treats you badly so why would you want someone like that in your life? You need to finally just get up and move on. Get your life back on track, go apologize to your friends, get your career back on track and then go out there and meet a women that is actually worth your time. You do not need to drop your life to be with someone you love, if they love you they will join your life and become part of your life.
Hey I’m 18 and have a little sister who is 14 and wondered if you could help. Well about a year ago my sister wanted to speak to me about something and that’s when she told me that mum was having an affair because she had seen messages on her phone and she just broke down in my arms and just cried and this has been going on ever since. I dint know what to do so i told my dad about this. Every Friday she says that she goes out with friends for a meal but we don’t believe this and think that she is going to see him. And every time my sister has baton twirling she tends to go out and say that she is either going for a walk or going shopping on her own which is something she has never done. Every time she gets a text she hides it and even takes her phone with her everywhere she goes. But when i manage to get a chance i always have a look at her phone and find messages from him. I found the letters at the weekend which had some awful things on there, and they have been together a year i think in may. And we all know that it is a person that she works with baring in mind apparently he is married with two children just like my mum is. I just feel really sorry for my dad in a way because he has never done anything to deserve this i just don’t understand. I always try to confront her about it but she constantly denies it which i think is one of the reasons that there are constant arguments around the house. My dad knows but will not do anything all he keeps telling me is that he is biding his time. What should i do leave it to my dad or confront her myself, but beforehand when i spoke to her about it she just said that he was a really close mate. I’m so scared to confront her though as i don’t want to break the family up. Please someone help what should i do?
My response:
Dear stuck in the middle;
This is something that no teenager or daughter/son should have to deal with it. This is something your parents have to deal with on their own. I know it’s hard, but you already confronted your dad about it, and he already knows something is going on. I know it’s hard to just sit back and watch all this happen, watch your family fall apart, while you sit back and do nothing. The thing is, no matter what you try to do, there really isn’t anything you can do. Your parents are adults and they know what they are doing. Your mother knows that what she is doing is wrong, but she continues to do it, and go back home and pretend everything is fine, when everyone in that house knows it isn’t. Your dad knows what’s going on but he can be either in denial or he doesn’t know how to approach the situation. It’s hard for a person to find out that their spouse is cheating on them, it’s not easy to take that all in, especially when he has a family to think about. He may be thinking that he’s staying with your mom because of you girls, and that he doesn’t want to hurt you guys, but what he doesn’t realize is, that staying is hurting you guys more, because the both of you already know what’s been going on for more then a year, and you sit back and have to see your dad in pain. Talk to your dad again and tell him how you feel. If it makes you feel better, then I say go ahead and talk to your mom. Let her know that you know, that to stop lying and hiding it from you. I don’t know what these letters you found said so I am assuming it’s hard evidence into your mothers affair. If this is the case, then like I said, if it will help you sleep a little better confronting your mother, go for it. Just know that this may not change things, she may still deny it, unless you catch her in the act, where she can’t deny it any longer, confront your dad, and tell him that you don’t want to live this lie anymore, it’s only hurting your family more. I know you don’t want to break the family up, but know that you aren’t, none of this was ever or will ever be your fault or your sisters or your fathers. Your mom knows what she is doing, and she is the only one breaking up your family by doing this. It’s hard and painful and I am sorry that you have to go through this, BUT sit down with your parents and tell them how you are feeling. Keeping things inside, pretending it isn’t happening isn’t going to make things better. Standing up and saying how you feel isn’t going to make it your fault if your parents separate, the only person to blame is the person who cheated. Be patient, I know right now it feels like things can’t get any worse, and you feel helpless, but life will get better. Good luck and I hope that your family can work things out.
She was a ***** and left me! I told her she needed me to take care of her illness but she wouldn’t listen! Is it wrong that I feel she got what she deserved?
My Response:
Dear Hurtful;
Just because she left you does not mean you should be happy about her dieing of cancer. I am assuming you knew about her cancer because you stated “I told her she needed me to take care of her illness but she wouldn’t listen”, Did you ever think that perhaps she didn’t want you to go through loosing her to an illness that would ultimately end her life? Maybe she didn’t want you seeing her like that, and she knew that her cancer was more deadly then she led on to you? Or perhaps did you ever think that maybe now knowing that she did pass away from cancer that her leaving you was a little easier than having to watch her die? There are many different ways you can look at this, but to be happy she died of cancer just because she left you is just out right mean. No one deserves to have such a horrible illness and die in that way. No matter how much you may feel she hurt you for leaving you, remember not to judge those going through something you and I would know nothing about. Being there for someone with an illness this severe is hard, but being that person going through with the illness is unimaginable. You need to forgive her for letting you go, forgive and let that hate you hold for her out of you, because living with that hatred inside is not going to help you move forward.
Been in a relationship with my boyfriend for two years and we have a daughter together, things were rocky at the start as he cheated but he showed remorse and devoted himself to me and our daughter and things have been great with us. I have had suspicions about him talking to other girls on facebook so i made an account pretending to be this girl and when i logged in there was an email that said he wanted to catch up for a coffee, i am totally heart broken….do you think hes gonna cheat? just back from a nice holiday with his parents and everything was great, do i end it with him?
My Response:
Dear Snooping;
Okay lets start off with the first obvious – HE CHEATED ON YOU once already… this should have been your first sign to get out and move on, I understand you have a daughter together but he cheated on you and the trust was broken and no matter how nice he acts or how things may seem like they are changing, it will always be hard to trust him again. The fact that he is on Facebook writing to girls and asking them to meet is a form of cheating. This does not mean he is physically cheating on you or that he has cheated again, but it is a form of emotional cheating. You have options. First I want to say that if you felt the need to snoop and make a facebook account to trick your boyfriend then the trust is obviously not there. Do you want to be in a relationship always wondering if that person is being faithful to you? Or a relationship that you can sit back and enjoy because you know that person would not do that to you? You have options, we all do. You can confront him and tell him about what happened (however, do not be surprised if he tries turning things around and saying he knew it was you all along, what are you going to do then?) You can go behind his back and have a friend he’s never met before meet him, and see how far it will progress (but do you want to put yourself through this?) Is it really worth it? If you have to go this far into trying to catch your boyfriend cheating, then to me, it’s just not worth it. If the trust is not there, there is no true relationship. If you can’t trust him and you think he is cheating on you, then you need to move on. I am not saying to end it because of an email, I think you need to talk to him first and tell him how you feel. If you know deep down you will never be able to trust him, you have to ask yourself a few questions and decide if this relationship is worth holding on to.
My husband packed his things and moved back in with his parents last weekend. He said things between us are not working out and he needs space and time to think things over. We have been both feeling taken for granted and I have been having trust issues since he started talking to his female friend again. The only time we have talked is when I called him (2 times) this week (thurs and sun). I know I should not have called, and that I am fully accountable for my actions, I just called in a moment of weakness. Sunday night, he told me if we went to a counselor and he/she could convince him this marriage is salvageable then he will try, otherwise he is done. He said “if they can change my mind, then I will give it another try”. He just seems like he has given up. Also when we talk he is very short with me and doesn’t say much. I feel so hopeless. He told me he would call weds with his new work schedule so I would know what day he can go to counseling, but now I am not sure if I want to go. He doesn’t seem like he will be very receptive so whats the point? I feel like I am dragging him there kicking and screaming. Should I just drop it and ignore him completely for a couple of weeks, or what? Please help!! I am still very in love with him, and want this to work. He says he still loves me, when I ask but not that he misses me. I feel so awful.
Additional Details:
I have apologized several times. He just tells me he knows I will revert to my old self, and that our relationship is too damaged. He said I had his love and threw it away. I know that I did. I have been working with a counselor on my issues and done a work shop already, but I can’t go it alone.
My Response:
Dear in a rut;
It seems to me that your problems only progressed as time went on. It is hard to love someone and have the other person give up on you. With that said, you can still try marriage counseling but know that you cannot change a person minds, and person will only change the way he feels if he/she actually feels it and if he/she wants to change. Ignoring him is not going to make the problem go away, and if you really want to make it work, the only thing you can do is be honest about the way you feel, tell him about how you have been going to counseling to resolve your other issues and that if he still loves you and has any reason to try again, then counseling is a start. If he refuses and still says that he will go “if they can change is mind” then you really just have to sit down together and make a decision on what to do with your marriage. No one can change a persons mind about loving someone and wanting to be with that person, that is not how love works. You have to want to want that person, you have to want to make it work. If the love is not there, you can not force it on someone. Try talking to your husband, but this time face to face (not on the phone), I know it is hard, especially because you want to make it work, but you might have to come to terms with the fact that perhaps, it is over, and the best thing to do is just move forward with your lives.
Despite the fact I was being emotionally & financially abused in my marriage. My ex neither loved me nor his child. I sometime end up blaming myself for what has happened. Because sometimes I raised my voice against his abuse and his mother’s insults. I sometimes wonder if I had kept my mouth shut and would have just put up with his & his mother’s verbal abuse towards me and my new born baby I would have still been married to him. Why do I feel that he got fed up with me because I replied back to him at times & complained to him against the verbal / emotional & financial abuse I was being subjected to ?
How do I get rid of these feelings ? Did I deserve this ?
Additional Details
How can you respect someone who is abusing you on regular basis ? And someone who does not want to realize and fulfill your rights as a wife but wants you to fulfill all his rights as a husband ?
My Response:
Dear Emotionally Abused Wife;
Why are you going back and forth with this, why are you asking questions you probably already know the answers to? Honestly if your husband left you, this is probably the best thing that could have happened to you. You talk about his emotional abuse and his mother’s verbal abuse towards you, yet you stuck it out why?? No one should have to endure any kind of abuse, and your baby was being subjected to this kind of abuse. This is not an environment to grow around in. If his mother was verbally abusive to you and he never stood up for you, what does that say about the kind of man he was? He turned around and continued the abuse because it is what he was taught, however; that does not make it better and it does not make it right for him to have treated you the way he did. You raising your voice, fighting for yourself when no one else would is NOT wrong, stop thinking that you are the one that did something wrong and just face the fact that your husband was a jerk! STOP Blaming yourself! Trust me, there are plenty of other guys out there that will treat you a whole lot better than your husband and his mother did. I can not tell you how to get rid of your feelings, this is something that will heal with time, however I can tell you that the first step is to get rid of your guilt. Feeling that you were the one that did something wrong, when it is clear it wasn’t you. No one deserves this kind of abuse, and do not ever think that you did something “wrong” to deserve the way they treated you. You do not Respect someone who is abusing you on a regular basis, because they are obviously not respecting you or loving you. You have to learn to respect yourself first, and then realize when someone is actually respecting you or not, and when that person respects you, that is when you respect that person back. A person who only wants to take, take, take like your husband did is not worthy of your love or anyone’s love for that matter. A relationship is not based on TAKE only, it is a hard working job of GIVE & TAKE! Do not ever settle for less because you feel you are not worthy of it, or that you feel that maybe you were the one doing something wrong when deep down you know they were emotionally abusing you in more ways than one, and it was not your fault by any means that they treated you this way. It is better for your baby and you to live in a home of peace, where your child is not subjected to this kind of abuse, and he/she doesn’t grow up thinking it is okay to treat other people this way.
I hope that you gain the strength to move on, and move forward with your life. Change your ways and start respecting yourself. No one should ever receive emotional abuse and think it’s their own fault. We live in a world where sometimes we aren’t taught right from wrong, what your husband and mother in law where doing, was just plain WRONG!
You can always try joining a spouse abuse support group in your area, talking about the abuse with other women who have gone through what you have gone through sometimes helps open your eyes.
I need your help as soon as possible. I am a married lady with one child. My husband works far away and we have been having problems and I also found out that he was cheating on me and that further strained our relationship. I fell in love with a colleague at work and everything was rosy and so exciting. I have just found out that I’m pregnant with my lovers baby and I’m so scared of the consequences. I’m so sure that I love my boyfriend, but I’m no longer in love with my husband. My husband is trying to change to be a good person because he wants to save our marriage and at the same time I feel so guilty that I’m carrying someone else baby. I’m 5 weeks pregnant. When I told my boyfriend that I am pregnant with his child, he became distant and the relationship just turned sour. I’m so scared. He told me that I should abort. I’m scared of abortion. My husband doesn’t know that I’m pregnant. What should I do. Please help me.
My Response:
Dear Pregos;
Your situation is very complicated. First things first, lets start with the fact that your husband cheated on you and you stayed with him. I understand he is trying to work things out now, but don’t you think it’s a little too late? You cheating on your husband was not the right thing to do just because your husband cheated on you, you really should have just ended things with your husband from the beginning. (I know it is a lot easier said than done), however with that said, you are now pregnant with your boyfriends child and he wants nothing to do with the baby or you. I cannot tell you to get an abortion this is a decision you have to truly make on your own, and having a child already you know what it is to take care of a child and give birth to a little human being. If you want to save your marriage which I don’t think you do because you clearly said you were not in love with your husband anymore than that decision seems clear to me. I know you do not want to hurt him by him finding out you are pregnant with another mans baby, but he has a right to know, and you both need to come to a conclusion on what to finally do with your relationship. As for your boyfriend, I do not think this guy is ready for a girlfriend or any type of relationship if the first thing he did when you told him you were pregnant was turn distant and run. If you decide to keep the baby, make sure it is because you truly want this child, but not because you think it may give you a chance to be with this new guy. Flings are just that, and perhaps this guy was just having fun with you, I know it is hard to hear, but you deserve someone better than your husband (who cheated on you) and your “boyfriend” who ran at the first sight of a true relationship and family. Deep down you know what you really want and need to do, you just have to take a few minutes to sit by yourself and take it all in. It is a hard decision but no matter what decision you make, it needs to be for you!
Would you rather he sat by a pond all day, alone, reading and fishing, or playing football with his mates and going to the pub afterwards? Thanks for your answers!!
My Response:
Dear Intrigued;
Sounds to me like there is a bigger question behind this question. I do not think I can choose what kind of husband would be better. A man who fishes all day or a man who has to play football and go out with his friends afterward? Either way he is not spending the time with you. I know men that like both, but they do not fish every day or weekend or play football with their friends only to go to the pub afterward. Perhaps you should just find someone who likes to do the things you like, and every man deserves a day to himself or an outing playing a sport with friends. I say join him while he fishes and get a tan, or join him and watch him play some football with his friends.
