Today I have decided to open up to you. Talk a little about how I have felt in the past. I think everyone goes through hard times in their lives, some of us keep it inside for ever and some of us talk about it.
Life sometimes hits you unexpectedly. There was a time in my life when I thought nothing can harm you, nothing can hurt as bad as a small cut on your knee. Then tragedy struck home. The first of many people I loved passed away. My grandmother (on my fathers side).A great day filled with sun and laughter, church, food, and then she was gone. With a single breath she was gone.
Tragedy hits Home…
How does a child comprehend such tragedy. As if that single tear that washed over my eyes would make the pain go away. For the first time in my life I think I saw my father shed a tear. Hidden behind his sunglasses, I know there was a tear. I walked into the cold room, my choice. My mother told me I didn’t have to go, but even at such a young age I knew I had to see it for myself. I had to know that they weren’t lying to me, because in every image, every thought possible, I couldn’t imagine why something so sad would happen to our family. Why would God take away someone you love. I didn’t understand, I couldn’t and I wouldn’t.
The room was cold….it felt like so many people were there yet the only person I can see was her. Lying there helpless, and when I finally had the courage to go up and see her, I couldn’t breath. I couldn’t feel. It was has if from that moment my life changed but I had no idea how much. I couldn’t even speak, the tears were so hard that I couldn’t stop. I remember leaving home with a friend that night, not wanting to turn back, not wanting to face what was truly there. I remember leaving to go play, like a child plays, with no worries, no sadness, where death didn’t exist in a world that you live in.
The memories.
I can’t remember if I went to the burial the next day, I must have blocked it from my mind. I remember going to the cemetery when I was younger with my mom and brother, we would say a prayer by the grave and I would lay one single flower next to her name. I don’t know why I did that, I guess I felt in a sense it was my way of giving it to her only from me.
Not long after that I remember my Uncle my God Father no longer being in my life. He had some issues with my father and for some reason never understood, he stopped talking to all of us. I tried calling him a few times to say Happy Birthday, to wish him a Merry Christmas. But I only got the answering machine and I never got a card, or a phone call. I thought I had done something wrong, something for him to stop loving me. He came back into our lives a few years ago but I didn’t know who this man was, just that he was called my Uncle because he was related to my dad, but when I looked at him, he was nothing but a stranger. A guy that I once knew and now see maybe once a year. Is that family? A guy you see once a year? This person you barely talk to or know?
Learning how to keep moving forward.
I emailed him a letter once, telling him how I felt, telling him how his issues with my father had nothing to do with the rest of the family and I would never do that to my family. I think he never got it because his computer crashed, some excuse like that. About 3 1/2 years ago I tried again, but less harsh, explaining how I understood that it wasn’t my fault that he stopped talking to me, how him being gay and never talking to us about it wasn’t a factor because he was family. I told him I wanted to get to know him. I didn’t know what this would change. All the hate I had inside me, for resenting him, for leaving me…I guess I just wanted a bit of hope that he did want to be in my life. That we could have a relationship one day and I can meet his friends and hang out with him when he came down to visit. But days and months passed and I never got word on if he got my letter, if he read it, if he cared. He would tell my mom that he would talk to me when he came down to visit, I’m still waiting, but I’ll have to stop waiting because June 27th 2007 at the age of 57 my Uncle died.
He’s okay now, he’s not hurting, he can breath. But what about the rest of us? Left with all the questions that were never answered. My father hiding behind his anger like a child, he can’t even get along with his sister, which is another story in its self. You think this would teach you to love those around you, life is too short, live in the moment not in the past. But some people push others away, maybe if you try not love them as much it won’t hurt as much when they leave? Not true. Now not only do you miss the person but you have regret on all the things you wished you said, had done. And now it’s too late, there gone forever.
Moving forward.
This is why I truly believe in telling the person you love how you feel. Tomorrow we can live another day, go on to see the next day and the day after that. But if for one second you come to notice that tomorrow doesn’t exist for you, then what? Have you done all the things you wanted to do up until now, have you lived a life of happiness? Can any one of us ever say we have done everything we wanted to do up until now? I know I can’t. There is so much that I want to do, so much that I’m looking forward to. But am I happy where my life is today? Yes I am. Do I have regrets, I do. Do I dwell on those regrets? No I don’t. Like I said Life is too short. Why am I going to regret something that I can’t change? In the past I held on to so much anger and resentment that it ate away at who I was. I didn’t know who I was anymore and that scared me. I started realizing that I couldn’t hold onto the hate that was inside of me. I don’t know if I have ever truly let go of all the things in the past, but I do know that I have learned from them. This is what made me into the person I am today.
This is me, writer, friend, daughter, sister, girlfriend, I am me!
XO,
Kristin Nicole
