Advice Column: Abusive Boyfriend Image found on google.com/images
Advice Column: Abusive boyfriend
The Question:
I just broke up with an emotionally abusive man. After two years of trying, now I regret it, why?
(Edited)
My Response:
Being in an abusive relationship sometimes turns into a cycle. You did the right thing by getting out. Some women don’t ever get out and they live a life of abuse and sometimes even end up dead. Do you want to live that kind of life? Always being scared, never feeling truly loved? Don’t ever regret leaving someone who only hurt you emotionally and physically. YOU DID THE RIGHT THING, by leaving him. Trust me. You should try talking to someone, letting out your concerns and the trauma that you went through. You might not think that what you went through is much, but it is, and this can keep you from having healthy relationships in the future. You need to love yourself and respect yourself first so that the next man that comes along will love and respect you just as much as you love and respect yourself. No man should ever hit a women and know that you NEVER deserve to get hit, no matter what you say or do. Remember no man is worth you hurting over. Love yourself, respect yourself and always know that leaving a man who abused you isn’t something you should ever regret.
I am currently living with my husband overseas in Bumholder, Germany. I have been thinking about it for a while now and decided I need a divorce. My husband is emotionally abusive, he’s thrown used protection [sic]. (not sure if I can say the other word) at my face before, when he left for his last training he only gave me 40 dollars to last a month and a half and I have a child as well and no transportation. He tells me he hates me every day yet he refuses to let me move back home. I feel the only option I have left is to divorce him. I am also worried about him finding out.
I don’t feel safe living with him and I’ll feel even less safe being here while we are going through a divorce; he has a tendency to sharpen his knifes after we have fought and threaten me, and that scares me to death. I need all the possible information on how to go about getting a divorce. Who should I try to contact. My husband leaves again for training next week and will be gone another month and a half. At this time I’ll most likely have no money again and it’s a short time frame to get this all done. I was just trying to deal with it and hope that something would change but it hasn’t. I don’t even like him being around our daughter who is 7 months old. The only time she’s around him is when I shower, and it makes me so nervous because he is always screaming at her because she won’t stop crying. But it’s just because he has nothing to do with her and she isn’t really familiar with him. I have no idea who I’m supposed to go to or call. Also, if I tell the Military that I feel unsafe living with him while going through a divorce can they help and place me somewhere else until it is finished? I just need all the help I can get, please!
(Edited)
My Response:
Dear Abused wife;
If you are from the United States go to the embassy, I am sure that there is something you can do about getting back to your family while you get a divorce. You can also go to his platoon, being abusive is against any military law. He can get arrested and discharged from the military. I am not sure how far you want to go, this may anger him more, but you need to stand up and fight for yourself and for your daughter it is not safe nor is it healthy to stay in this relationship any longer. What he’s doing is wrong, and you staying with him is not going to help your daughter have a normal and good life. Giving you $40 to last a month is ridiculous. Have you thought about getting a job, the military helps with day care and things like that if you need to get a job to save money. The best bet is to go to his commanding officer (boss) and tell him what is going on, explain that you want to go back to the United States but that he refuses to let you go. If you have family, call them, have them send you money and get your passports and get out of there. Figure out the divorce later, but you need to find yourself a lawyer as soon as possible so that you can file for divorce. No one should have to take abuse (emotional or physical) find a way out and do it as soon as you can. If you have any friends you can trust, maybe you can stay with them for a while, until you can figure out how to get back to the United States. (Again I am assuming you are from the U.S). If you are not from the U.S; then get back to where ever you are from, call a friend or family. If you don’t have friends or family then you will have no other choice but to go to his boss and tell him what is going on. Good luck.
The Question: My girlfriend has been abused, and has fidelity issues how do I help her with them?
My girlfriend and I have been involved since the beginning of February, so around, 6 weeks now. I realized very early on that there was a potential love and we have now come to acknowledge it (she first) [sic]. She is very bright, beautiful, an excellent lover, and open to new ideas and adventures. Unfortunately, she just got out of an abusive relationship in November where she was violently abused on half a dozen occasions and was cheated on four times. She sought revenge on him and cheated on him three times. After their breakup she whored around with 8 more guys in 2.5 months and used alcohol as an escape. She kept much of the nitty-gritty from me until she knew I wasn’t going to bail the moment she told me. She has agreed to start counseling at the end of the month.What should I do?
(Edited)
My response:
Dear Boyfriend in a rut;
You are definitely dating someone with a lot of baggage. Although it was good that she was honest with you, you are going to have to be patient and understanding and you are going to have to trust that she won’t go cheating on you due to her insecurities. There really isn’t much you can do but be there for her. Show her that you aren’t one of her ex’s that is going to go cheat on her and you aren’t going to be abusive to her either. You are already helping her by showing her you aren’t that kind of person and by supporting her in her decision to go to counseling. This will be very good for her. Your girlfriend going to counseling is already the first step into her getting better, her realizing that what she was doing to get over her hurt wasn’t the right route to go. You are already helping her by just being there for her and supporting her. Keep it up, it seems to me she has found a good boyfriend. Good luck, keep me updated.
Advice Column: He touched my brother and molested me. Image found on flickr.com
The Question:
He touched my brother when he was little and then he molested me. I’m angry and I don’t know what to do.
So a few years ago my brother and I where sleeping over at our friends house, and in the middle of the night I woke up and caught this person who was 13 at the time touching, with my younger brother who was 8 [sic]. I didn’t give it much thought, I just thought they were playing some harmless game or whatever and went back to sleep, the next morning I asked them what they where up to and this person said that they where just playing games on the computer. This was back when I trusted this person, so I thought I probably just dreamed it or my eyes where playing tricks on me since it was dark and I was still half asleep. Anyway, so I completely forgot about it for about 2 years and then around March of 2013, my sister told me some horrible rape story that had happened to her friend and it left me feeling shocked for several days. It triggered the memory of catching this person and my brother touching.
So I asked my brother what happened and it turns out that this person had bribed him to touch him. I couldn’t handle that so I told my dad and he said it was harmless and something I shouldn’t be worrying about and he laughed. I went over to this persons house for a week or so and he came back to ours, I wasn’t mad yet I just felt really bad [sic], I felt like it was somehow my fault that it had happened. I felt guilty for about 6 months non stop. While this person was here he was a DICK! I talked to him about what he did and he threatened me! He called me names and once he dry humped my back against my will.
I told him to stop but he waited like 30 seconds, I could have beat him up but I couldn’t be bothered [sic]. He stayed here for 3 months. I went over to his house in April this year and I beat him up, and I told him I was beating him because he humped me. He denied it at first but then he said if I wanted him to stop I should have just said so. I saw him a few days later and his eye was bloodshot, I still feel angry though, I think I should go to his house and dry hump him against his will and beat him up till he cries because I still feel really angry at that f***ing *****! I hate him for all the s*** he did to me. He’s also racist. He brags to me about doing drugs cause he thinks its cool. He calls me names, like when he was here he called me a crazy b**** for not dyeing his hair. In 2012 He tried to beat me up because he was using my computer, and I asked if I could use it for a minute, and he just ignored me completely so I got angry and told him to get off. I didn’t fight back.
Please help, I don’t know what to do.
(Edited)
My Response:
Dear Angry;
You are very angry, but beating up on this person, or going to their house is not helping anyone. You have every right to be angry but you need to stop and talk to an adult that will help you. I am not sure if you have a mom? Have you spoken to her or any other family member besides your dad? You should try talking to your dad again, I cannot believe that he would just brush something like this off, but sometimes as adults we don’t want to face something that is so horrible, yet true. This doesn’t excuse him, but I’m just trying to understand why he would allow this man back into your house after what you told him. You or your brother should never be around this person. I would talk to another adult and report this person as soon as possible. If this person has done this to you and your brother than they most likely have done this to other children and it isn’t safe to be around them. Do not blame yourself, you couldn’t have prevented what this person did to your brother, you are and were young and you didn’t know what you were really seeing. The important part is that you now know the truth and you can now protect your brother and yourself by not being around this man and reporting him. Report this person to someone and stay away from them.
I am in desperate need of help. I have been in a relationship for few years now. We are both 24, and want to get engaged. In our culture we have to have our parents permission to get engaged and for the engagement ceremony the parents sit down and decide a date etc. His parents had no reason to say no to this relationship (I am as educated as he is, I earn as much as he does, we are from the same culture, same religion, same caste, same well educated family background, as good looking as he is, loves him as much he does me). His parents first made some excuses but then allowed us to date, but when it started getting serious they have been stubborn and blackmailing him (by saying they will die if he moves out and gets married to me) beating him up (I AM SERIOUS. they are beating up a 24 year old guy). They lock him up in the room just so that he cant come see me… torturing him by saying things like the will kill themselves if he gets married to me, that he has forgotten their 24 years of raising him, for one girl etc. His parents even called my parents and abused them and asked them for me to loose contact with him. TALKING and asking for reasons doesn’t work, all they have to say is “we feel that if you guys get married it will end up in a divorce”. His parents haven’t even met me yet and they said no because they feel he loves me so much and I will take advantage of it in future.
He loves me a lot and he has been going through all this suffering just to get a YES from his parents. (because he doesn’t want his parents to blame me for snatching away their child in future) now he has finally decided to move out after 3 months of painful suffering just because of me. I don’t know why I feel guilty for his separation from his parents! I feel if I never came to his life he wouldn’t have gone through all this **** and crap! Am I doing the wrong thing by wanting to spend my life with him and by making him move out of his house?
What is the best solution in this situation? I NEED HELP. I have been under severe depression and stress and frustration and I cant take it anymore. I NEED TO KNOW IF THERE IS ANY OTHER SOLUTION???
Waiting for your reply…
~guilty
My Response:
Dear Guilty;
It seems to me that no matter what woman your boyfriend was going to take home, they weren’t going to be good enough for his family. If they haven’t even met you yet, they have no right to judge. I understand that in these types of religions that the parents have a little more control over the situation. (I am not sure what religion you are and the extent of the situation). However, no parent, I don’t care what religion you are, has the right to abuse a child. Locking him up in his room is abuse and that is not to be taken lightly. Your boyfriend is no longer a child but a 24 year old man, and if he chooses to move out of his home, it is his right and his decision. I understand that he moved out to be with you, but you cannot blame yourself for the situation that stands between his parents and himself. His parents obviously have some issues they need to attend to, and your boyfriend needs to stand up and talk to them, explain to them that you both don’t want them to not be in your lives but that they need to understand that he loves you and all the both of you want is for them to give you their blessing and accept you into their family. I know it’s easier said than done, but maybe you need to go together to speak to his parents. Talk to your boyfriend first and explain to him how you feel, I am sure he does not blame you for leaving his house, this was his decision and he is a grown man. Communication is key in any relationship, you can’t hold in what you are feeling, you need to talk to your boyfriend and try to see what you can do together to make this relationship work. Don’t feel guilty, you have done nothing wrong but love your boyfriend….
Good luck
xo,
kristin nicole
If you need more advice don’t hesitate to email me.
Okay I have been with my husband for 4 years, For the first 18 months we were fine! The week after I gave birth to my first child, he was drunk and he beat me really bad. To this day my eye twitches because of it. Well he didn’t do anything like that for a long time, 5 months or so. We got married around our two year anniversary. It is like it all went down hill from there. I was pregnant again and he beat me all throughout my pregnancy. He kicked me in the back and when I told him he could hurt the baby and he said ” well it wasn’t in the stomach”. After I gave birth to my 2nd (2nd c-section) he beat me again because I asked him to change HIS FIRST diaper. He said it wasn’t his “job”. For the last 7 months I have been on new diabetic meds that doesn’t make me feel to good and on various occasions he has wanted sex, and when I say no he pretty much does it to me anyway. I had planned to leave him, he hasn’t done anything for about 7 weeks, but after all that I don’t think I could still stay with him. I just feel like I don’t feel the same anymore. Am, I wrong for feeling this way, I don’t know what to do anymore, I need some advise , someone to talk to anything. I need help with this situation, what should I do?
My Response:
Dear Abused Wife/Mother;
You are not wrong to feel that way, it is absolutely normal to feel like you lost yourself, to feel like you aren’t yourself anymore because your husband has taken away your faith. He has taken away your strength and your heart, and you have not only you to think about but your children. Do you want your children to grow up in an abusive house hold? First things first…You should have never married him after he beat you the first time, but you did and we can’t turn back time now. The second time he beat you, during your pregnancy should have been another sign that he had no regard for your life or for the life of your un-born child. Stop for a moment and stop coming up with excuses like “well it’s been 7 weeks since he’s done anything”. It doesn’t make it right! NO MAN should ever beat their wife or anyone for that matter. You need to be strong and I am not saying it’s going to be easy but do you have family that you can live with for a while? Take your children and go to court. I would not trust this man with my children, if he beats you it is possible he can become abusive to the children if he hasn’t already. You need to divorce this man, you need to press charges and you need to get out now. DO NOT let him suck you back into his life. He will tell you how much he loves you, how much you mean to me, that you are everything to him and that he is so sorry for hitting you and he will never do it again??! If he doesn’t go that route, he may try to threaten you and he may tell you that you cannot leave him. YOU ALWAYS have a choice to leave. If you feel that he may do something more than just beat you, you need to be close to family and you need to report him to the police. I understand that he is the child of your children but do you honestly think that this is a good father figure for your children? Do you want your children to follow the patterns into an abusive relationship in the future or become abusers themselves one day? This is what usually happens when a child grows up in this kind of environment. I would talk to a lawyer and make sure that he can only have visitation rights with a supervised visit. As for him forcing you to have sex, it doesn’t matter if he’s your husband in most states that is considered rape, even by a husband. GET OUT NOW! You need to be strong and confident and you need to be happy. You will never be happy living with fear.
My policy for abuse is that if he tries to or does hit, push, etc then I’m absolutely done, no second chances, I’m getting the marriage annulled the next day. I have just been through too many shitty, abusive relationships and I don’t want him to be ‘just another asshole with a temper’ (as my mom says it, haha) He hasn’t ever hit me on purpose before. During our worst fight ever we were talking really loudly at each other and he came towards me really quickly with his arms open. I freaked out and blocked with my arms. He was just trying to give me a hug but I’m just SO cautious about that kind of stuff. Should I sit him down and like have a serious conversation about it or just say something when something on the news about spousal abuse comes on?
My Response:
Dear No Abuse;
It doesn’t look to me as if your boyfriend is abusive, you said he has never hit you on purpose before though? Does that mean he has hit you before? Then you said the worst fight you had he was going in for a hug but you got defensive. You definitely have some things you need to get over, I know it’s hard not to take your past into new relationships, but if your fiance is a good guy, and has never hit you then you need to trust that he won’t. I would definitely open up to him about your past and how you feel on the situation/subject. It is important for him to know what you have gone through and why you are sometimes defensive. I am happy that you have gotten out of abusive relationships and have realized that those type of relationships are no good for you. You seem like a strong women, I would definitely talk to your fiance about what you have gone through in the past, explain to him that you just want to make sure your relationship is in a good place that nothing like that would ever happen. Don’t make him feel like he may do that one day, he might get defensive, especially if he has never shown any type of abuse towards you, if he has shown abuse, then you should definitely sit down and talk to him, and you might have a few things to think about before getting married. Never take abuse from anyone, the person you are with needs to love and respect you. There is nothing wrong with telling your fiance what you have gone through, and this may make your relationship stronger, it is always good to share with your partner the struggles you have had to overcome in life. Good luck.
The Question:
I have been staying with my boyfriend for a year, but recently he has started to lose his temper and beat me. He is kind and loving 90 percent of the time, should I leave him because you know the beating will never stop?
My Response:
Dear Abused;
I think you already know the answer here. If you even have to ask then the answer should be obvious, but just in case…. My answer would be YES Leave him, and not just because he probably won’t stop, but because this is not love! Someone who loves you won’t dare put a hand on you, no only is it disrespectful but it’s physical abuse and no person should ever have to go through this. If he has a bad temper it could only get worse, he needs help and he is the only one that is going to have to want to get the kind of help he needs, but if you stick around it can only get worse from here. Respect yourself and Love yourself enough to get out of a relationship you already know is no good for you. Find someone that will respect you and love you and won’t lead to violence just because he gets upset about something.
I would love to take your opinion about my relationship.
Shortly, I heard bad stories about the one that I’m attracted to. I heard that he is aggressive, and I heard that he hit his sister more than once and my brother also told me that he saw him with someone in a place which sells drugs !!! … all these are warning signs, but I’m attracted to him and in a very good relationship with his family.
The question is : should I give him a chance and try to know him by myself or I should listen to those people because I trust him, and please notice that these problems are rarely discovered !!
If you want more details let me know, but I don’t want to make it long !!
Thank you in advance and I wish you the best in your relationship 😉
~Rumors
My Response:
Dear Rumors;
It’s hard because sometimes rumors are started, but if your own brother is telling you that he saw him in a place selling drugs then this is not a good sign. Sometimes we ignore the signs because we are attracted to someone and lust sometimes takes control of seeing the truth behind the person. Maybe try to just be friends with him, and or confront him about the rumors and see what he says and how he reacts. You definitely do not want to get into a relationship where the person is abusive and possibly either taking or selling drugs. You said you have a good relationship with his family, do you talk to his sister? Perhaps you can see if the rumors behind him hitting her are true. I doubt that if she tells you they are true that more than one person is lying to you about him, and if this is the case it is probably better to cut all ties with him. Trust me, you do not want to fall into a bad relationship, if he’s a good guy then have him prove he is.
So to start it off I am almost 20 and my hubby is 31 and I have a 4 month old baby and we have been married for 13 months. Our marriage is on the rocks we don’t have good communication we are always arguing everyday, I am not happy in this marriage my husband is CRAZY and when I say crazy I mean it; he is the most abusive person I have met. If I say anything he wont like he will go OFF and throw anything in front of him! He hits me in public, like just today he bashed me in the car while he was holding my baby girl and all I said was that my girl will choose what she wants to be when she grows up and I know it wont be something bad and he’s like no she will be a religious person she will be a religious lecturer and she wont choose I will! I am so fed up I hate his narrow minded thinking…..he tells me he loves me but does all this =/ I am sooooooooo belittled he says I am fat and to loose weight so that we can have sex! We haven’t done it for 10 months but sex is not the issue its his anger and narrow minded thinking I am soooo emotionally wrecked I feel like killing myself but then think of my baby girl and I cant leave this world and leave her with him! He wants this perfect wife who is slim beautiful and bows down to him who listens to everything he says and doesn’t say a word, he’s just kidding himself!!
He’s changed my personality, my thinking, my mental state, and I have ZERO self esteem and no confidence and my family hates me and him they haven’t seen me in 3 yrs and I haven’t talked to anyone in my family for 2 years. I am going to go mental I don’t know what to do….
Additional Details
I am still trying to make this marriage work because I don’t want my baby girl to grow up without her dad. I didn’t have my dad half of my life and it sucked! Please help….
My Response:
Dear too young;
You need to take a breather, and relax for a moment, what you are going through is something no person should have to withstand. Stop and think about not only yourself but the life of your daughter. You don’t want your daughter growing up with out her father, but do you think it’s okay for her to grow up with a father who abuses her mom and most likely will abuse her one day too? I know it wasn’t easy for you growing up without a father, but it’s better than growing up with one that is abusive. You need to have respect for yourself, don’t let him put you down and don’t let him abuse you any longer. Have the courage to pick up the phone and talk to your family, I am sure if you talk to them and let them know what is going on they will help you. If they don’t want to help (which I don’t see why they wouldn’t), then you need to be stronger than you will ever have to be for your baby. Get out of that marriage and save yourself and your child from more hurt and pain. It is never OKAY for a man to put his hands on a women and belittle her in front of others. You are still very young and you have your whole life ahead of you, take action and get out now.
There are support groups for abused women and if you feel that you aren’t safe leaving, call the police, get the help you need to get out of that abusive relationship and save yourself and your daughters life.
