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Tag: advice

  • My husband won’t have sex with me and he’s on drugs

    Can’t give up. Image by: google.com/images

    Repost:

    Dear Kristin Nicole;

    The Question:

    I have been with my boyfriend for a year, it has not been easy, we started out just okay. Both wanting a life long partner. He is 54 and I am 48, both been married a few times both have a few children. We both have a thirty year old and a seven-year-old child and a few between. We have a lot in common and a lot of the same interest. We both feel we need to be in control and are a like. Neither one likes to give in. We love each other at least I do but can’t read his mind. His sister said, “If he did not care for you he would not even bother.”  So let me get to the problem.

    I love this guy but he does not give me any affection what so ever now, No kiss, No touch, No sex, we fight all the time about it. I want it and he tells me you nag and you will not get it, shut your mouth, it is your mouth. [sic]. I try not to say anything, one, two, three and so on in weeks and still he will not even come to bed. He said he does it to teach me a lesson. In one year he might have been to bed 30-40 times an average of once every two-three weeks, it is so lonely. He stays in the room with me but sleeps in a office chair. It is killing me, I cannot stand it anymore, I feel so lonely. I cry almost every night. A few months ago I began to sleep in my daughters’ room, then down stairs, and now in the office of my company, just so he cannot hurt me by not coming to bed.

    We both are pretty good looking people, I only think about making love to him. I do not want to be with anyone else and cannot even think about cheating, like I said he is a very good looking man, we both look young and I am sure he is not cheating but this just makes a person think what is wrong. The other thing is that he has only cum inside of me twice, and I always want him to do it in my mouth [sic], but he makes me feel like he does not want me. The sex has always been bad. I feel like I cannot please him. He will do everything to show me he is right, even giving in gets me nowhere. Now I feel he is just tired of me. I am a very loving and giving person and giving him breakfast in bed every day. He has a drug problem that does not help but I do not use myself. He started excluding me out of friends because he feels bad to use in front of me. Yes I do make a few comments but do not nag on that. Also I had my second stroke on 2/20/2013. Walking and doing better now. He was there for me in a way but he did not know how to help me; he is very selfish, but gave me the time he could and I did not make it easy for him. Anyways what you have here is two very selfish people that love each other and neither one knows how to give in and it is killing both of us, at least me. Help!!!!!!!!

    ~ Too many problems but not wanting to give up.

    (Revised by KN)

    The Answer:

    Dear Too many problems but not wanting to give up;

    It seems to me that you already know there is problems in this relationship and although you acknowledge them you don’t want to accept them. If he isn’t giving you attention, sleeping with you, having sex with you, talking to you and he’s on drugs, then there is something really wrong here. I don’t know what drugs he is on but this is the number one issue to start with. If you have a young child, it isn’t healthy that he is doing drugs. This can also be causing him to not have a sexual appetite. If he is depressed this can also cause a low sex drive. There are numerous reasons he may be acting like he is. It can be the drugs, it can be that he just doesn’t care, it can be that he’s cheating on you, it can be a million things. You need to try and talk to him, tell him you want to make this marriage work but not being intimate and ignoring you is not the answer. The excuse you said he gives you about “teaching you a lesson”, WHAT LESSON? Men don’t normally think like that, at least not any man I have ever met. If anything your punishment would be in the bedroom, not avoiding you. It sounds like you want to try new things and that you aren’t closed off to doing anything kinky or otherwise, so why he doesn’t want to have sex with you is beyond me. The only advice I can give you, is TALK to him. Try to go to counseling and explain what you are feeling. You have two choices, you live with it and be miserable or you realize that he’s a complete ASS and get out of this relationship. You deserver someone better, someone who will listen and talk to you, someone who will have sex with you and love you and someone who won’t put you down. You also deserve someone who isn’t on drugs and ruining their life and the life of your child. Think about it….

    xo,

    kristin nicole

     

     

     

  • Am I being crazy or is something going on?

    Repost:

    Dear Kristin Nicole;

    The Question:

    OK my wife had an emotional affair around 2-3 years ago. Its started with emails and within only a few months it became a lot more. Since then I’ve been a mess, I used to be “Mr Calm” about everything she did and now I’m jealous and over thinking everything….but maybe I should be… you tell me. I found out she’s been chatting on facebook with this guy (also married) recently. He was one of the first people she added as a friend and she didn’t add his wife until a month later. After I found out she changed her password and also changed the settings on her phone so she wouldn’t get messages sent to our email. {sic} Yet everyday there are 15-20 internet/media net things on our phone bill. I’ve tested this and those don’t show up if you are just checking your email and she doesn’t do anything else on her phone/internet except email and facebook.

    Other things….she has a job that she can change her schedule and take an hour or two off anytime during the day, he lives 2 minutes away from us, is a cop, she tans everyday and has an after hours pass, her best friend who she tells everything to had an affair with a married man for 10 years and they are now married, he’s a cop too and friends with this guy. I catch her in little lies here and there and I have to wonder why she would lie if she’s not up to something.

    Things to consider… We’ve been together since she was in high school going on 11 years of marriage now and have two beautiful sons. We look like the perfect family and couple. Everywhere we go we are the best looking couple there. If I left now she wouldn’t be able to pay the bills herself, she would be screwed, if the guys wife found out she could ruin her name in this town and my wife is all about “who’s who”

    OK that’s the best I can sum all this up , so tell me am I being crazy? And what suggestions do you have for me….

    Additional Details
    Oh… the first guy was also married and is not the same guy I’m talking about now… and yes I know I’m insecure, I hate it!!! My wife is not a cop just him, Oh did I mention her dad was a cheater all his life and she adores him. Also, Counseling…seriously thinking of that but really I just want to know if she is cheating because I’m halfway out the door right now. At this point we are currently lovey dovey with each other yet I still see the 15/20 internet thing a day on the phone. If I try to talk to her again about it she will just get pissed and think I’m crazy again, her reason for the changing of the passwords is cause she said she doesn’t want to be treated like a 13 year old. I have asked her already and she swears its nothing just small talk, swears she loves me, but I wonder who she thinks about during the day at work. Keylogger? You have to tell your spouse or that is invasion of privacy, if I told her she would just use her phone all the time, there are two many ways for her to get away with it. {sic}.

    My Response:

    Dear Cheated On;

    Okay first let me start with “YOU SHOULD HAVE LEFT HER THE FIRST TIME!” Cheating is the ultimate betrayal and you being insecure or not trusting her comes with that. Unless you fully forgave her and were able to move on the first time then this isn’t a healthy relationship. I don’t care about what other people think or that people think you look like the perfect couple, those other people don’t live with you and those other people don’t have to feel miserable with you either. Stop thinking about how she will manage, as long as you take care of your kids let her fend for herself, she made her bed now let her lie in it. (Okay cheesy line, and I never understood the analogy behind it but it seemed to fit here). Her best friend had a 10 year affair and ended up with the guy, doesn’t necessarily mean your wife will be do the same; however I have to go back to the phrase “Once a cheater always a cheater.”

    I understand you have two boys you have to think about but be honest with yourself, kids are smart and if something isn’t right they are going to sense it. It isn’t healthy for anyone to stay in a relationship where there is no trust and cheating going around. If you feel you have to check her phone or look at how much she’s used her internet, your suspicions should tell you that something just isn’t right. She may have psychological issues that go back to her dad but she is a grown women and she knows that cheating is wrong. If you truly want to try to make things work, it’s not a one way street and she has to put effort into making things work as well, try marriage counseling. My advice though…. get an attorney, get full custody of your kids, and move out. Have respect for yourself. What are you teaching your children if you stay in a marriage that is full of lies? You deserve better.

    xo,
    kristin nicole

    I found this answer on Yahoo.com

  • Advice Column: This guy I met is too clingy

    Advice Column: This guy I met is too clingy. Image by: Google.com/images

     

    Dear Kristin Nicole,

    I met this guy and we have gone on a few dates, however now he’s constantly calling me and he already wants me to be his girlfriend and we have only known each other for about three weeks. On top of it all he’s in his late 40’s living with his mom. That’s not the bad part, it’s fine if you are single and you need to help your mom out, but his mom works and has no car, and he is constantly doing things with his mom. One day I asked if he wanted to do lunch instead of dinner because I’m a single mom and I was going out that night with my daughter. He said he couldn’t because he was going to trade in his car and he was going with his mom. I feel like it’s becoming too much. Can we say “Mama’s Boy”? On top of it all he was ready to invite himself over to my house one day and I told him no, because as I mentioned before I have a teenage daughter and I am not going to bring any guy into my house. He also has teenage children with a previous marriage that live out of the Country but he failed to mention this to me until just recently. He told me that he has an 11 month old daughter with another woman, who also lives outside of the country. I don’t think I want to deal with someone who hides his children, lives for their mother only, and is now nonstop calling me. He’s a nice guy, but I’m just not ready for a relationship, let alone with someone like him. I have been avoiding his phone calls but what should I do?

    ~ Dating a mama’s boy

    Dear Dating a mama’s boy,

    If it’s only been three weeks, this is good. This means you haven’t invested much time in figuring out this guy just isn’t for you. If he really wanted to see you the day you offered to have lunch with him, he could have invited you to go with him car shopping either with his mom or leaving his mom at home and taking you instead. Inviting himself to your house is also a little pushy, especially since he knows you have a daughter. I think you did the right thing by stopping him. As for all his children, I think it’s a bad start if he told you off the bat about the first two children but forgot to mention his 11 month old daughter, that he has with another woman. It seems like it’s too much already for just knowing him three weeks. I think that if he is a nice guy though, that you should at least pick up the phone or call him and let him know that you just aren’t ready for a relationship right now and you can stay friends if you like. Most men don’t like to hear “the friend speech” but it’s better to be honest with him without hurting his feelings, then just ignoring his phone calls. Now move on, and if you’re not ready for a relationship then enjoy being single and enjoy time with your daughter, one day the right man will come along.

    xo,
    kristin nicole

    (Edited 2011)

  • I caught my husband having affairs on the net – After being married for thirty years

    The-Question:

    I caught my husband having affairs on the net – After being married for thirty years I don’t know what to do? I cant seem to trust him anymore. I cant seem to forget and keep blaming myself for not keeping an eye on him.


    My Response:

    Dear 30 Years;

    You have every right to not trust him anymore, you were married for 30 years and he betrayed your trust in the most horrible way a man can betray a woman’s trust. Do NOT blame yourself. We can not be on top of our men all the time, and we shouldn’t have to. You should be able to trust the person you are with and that person should be faithful to you no matter what temptations are out there. If your husband couldn’t be faithful this is not your fault. No matter how hard it may be you deserve respect and love from someone and you deserve to not get cheated on. It may be hard to leave your husband but he left you the day he decided to cheat on you and destroy your marriage. Stay strong, it isn’t going to be an easy journey for you but I promise there is someone out there for everyone. My aunt was married for over 20 years and later found her soul-mate. It’s never too late! Good luck!

    xo
    kristin nicole

    I found this question on <a/ href=”http://www.answers.yahoo.com”>Answers.Yahoo.com

  • How do I express myself?

    Express yourself. image by: google.com/images

    Expressing yourself can sometimes be hard. If you are angry do you tell the person you are fighting with what you feel right then and there? Or should you wait until you cool off and have a more focused mind set? Sometimes letting it out in the moment allows you to really tell the person how you feel but sometimes it’s better to cool off and talk calmly with each other in order to avoid words you may regret later.

    Sometimes there comes a time when you argue with your boyfriend/girlfriend, husband/wife, or friend, and sometimes you get so angry you can’t express your feelings. In my case I try to talk in the moment but if I get too frustrated I close myself off because I can’t fathom having a conversation with that person. When I try to say what I am thinking sometimes I over think my thoughts and I end up stoping my self, leaving myself with no words to say.

    Why do we do this? Why is it so hard for women and men to say what they feel? Are we afraid of what the other person might say? SOMETIMES, For me that is the case. I’m afraid to get into a bigger argument when I just want them to understand what I am feeling, but that doesn’t always work.

    So I find it easier to express myself sometimes through email, letters or text. I know this shouldn’t be the solution but sometimes it’s the only way to get what I feel out in the open. It’s better to get it out one way than not at all. Right?!?

    In my letter I try to really go into details on what I feel but you still want to make sure you aren’t crossing the line somewhere. Sometimes in letters the person reading it may interpret your words differently and you don’t want to hurt the person’s feelings, unless taht is your intentions of course.

    I found a website that talks about relationships and communication, and I truly believe that communication is the KEY to a healthy and long relationship. You can’t hold things inside because in the end you will only blow up, and that isn’t good for either one of you. This website tries to help MEN communicate better. For those men who have problems communicating check this website out and click HERE.

    Even though the website indicates how to communicate more for men towards women, I think it’s good for women to read it as well. Some of women might be a little more like men then we think. Open up to your other half and tell them how you feel, but don’t attack them with your words, just tell them that you only want them to know how you are feeling and what can “we” do to fix it.

    Assumptions are the termites of relationships. ~Henry Winkler.

    xo
    kristin nicole

  • I’m too involved in my daughters life and it’s taking me away from my son and husband

    Over Involved Mother – image by: google.com/images

    The Question:

     Dear Kristin Nicole;

    I am way too involved in my nearly 15 year old daughter’s life. It consumes me and my happiness seems to be dependent on how happy she is. I find myself getting too involved in social issues and give advice often before she asks for it. We have a great relationship and she tells me so much but I sometimes wish she didn’t. Lately I have lost sleep worrying about girl issues and boyfriend issues. She is extremely attractive and athletic and often suffers from jealous girls trying to knock her down. Lately these girls have been trying to turn boys against her and have succeeded to a point. She says it doesn’t worry her but I struggle to believe that. She says she is fine but I just can’t stop worrying and giving advice. I need to stop before I ruin the wonderful relationship we have had and she stops telling me things. It’s just that I know what can potentially happen and I am trying to protect her from it. Help me to stop as i am neglecting my 11 year old son and husband that is all that is consuming my thoughts. I am an educated person with a degree so I should know better! (Edited by: KN)

    My Response:

    Dear Over involved mom;

    I know it’s hard to not worry about your daughter, but you have already passed the first step of realizing you are too involved. You have to accept that your daughter needs to make her own mistakes and you need to try to let what she tells you not bother you. If your daughter is open with you and she is telling you that she is okay, you need to believe her and let her come to you if things aren’t okay. Start making time for mother and son day. I can only imagine that things in common with an 11 year old son may be difficult but try to see what he wants to do and start giving him attention as well. Also try to make time for a date night with your husband and talk to him about how you are feeling. If you don’t explain to him how you feel then he won’t understand what it is you are going through. If you talk to him then at least he will have a better understanding on what is going on with you. Remember communication is key, let him help you and get your mind off things. Remember teenagers will have ups and downs, that’s why it’s called teenage years, so try not to worry so much about your daughter. It sounds to me like she’s a smart girl, and she already knows she can come to you if she needs you. Start focusing on the good and don’t over analyze everything she tells you.
    Good Luck
    xo,
    kristin nicole

  • I cheated with my best friend

    Lost and Confused – Image found on google.com/images

    Question:

    Dear Kristin Nicole,

    I have been with my boyfriend for five years, and recently cheated on him with my best friend. If you are wondering, my best friend is a girl. I have always loved the way women looked, but never tried being with a woman, and my best friend has always told me how beautiful I am and has always been there for me. I feel guilty sleeping with her, but at the same time I don’t know if to leave my boyfriend or tell my best friend that we can’t hook up anymore. Please help.

    ~Confused

    My Response:

    Dear Confused,

    If you are feeling confused maybe it’s best to stop hooking up with your boyfriend and best friend and try to evaluate what it is you are feeling. On top of cheating with your boyfriend, you cheated with a woman. Have you always had feelings for women? If you have then maybe you have been trying to lie to yourself about the way you truly feel. First find out what it is you are truly searching for and go from there. It isn’t good to lie to your boyfriend but figure things out before you hurt more people. Good luck

    xo,
    kristin nicole

  • I want to meet her parents but she doesn’t want me to

    Meet the Parents. Image found: google.com/images

    The Question:

    Dear Kristin Nicole;

    I am from Vietnamese . It’s my pleasure to be your Friend on Facebook. I’ve read alot of your article at ” Soapnights.com ” . I see a lot of useful advices you’ve given to everybody when they have a problem. Today, I want to tell you a story about myself . I have fallen in love with my present girlfriend of one and half years. She is older than me by one year. We know everything about each other, I love her and she love me too. Now, I am a last year student at Science and Technology school, she graduated a year ago, she is working for a company at the same city where I ‘m studying. Two month ago, I introduced her to my parents. Because she is very good and kind my parents like her very much. I am very happy about that. I offered to visit her parents, they live in another city about 250 kilometers far from my location, but she refused me several times. She had many reasons about it. I don’t know why and because I asked her several times to visit her parents I don’t want to ask her again. I really want to see them and I think it will be very good if I have a good relationship with her parents. I don’t know what to do? I hope you can give me some advices about this problem . Thank you very much!
    Truly yours, (Revised by Kristin Nicole 12/11/12)

    ~Meet Parents

    My Response:

    Dear Meet Parents;

    Good Morning.

    Thank you for following up with articles on Soapnights, I truly appreciate it.

    Now to your questions… You need to try and sit down with your girlfriend, and tell her you want an honest answer as to why she doesn’t want you to meet her parents. Tell her how it makes you feel when she doesn’t give you a straight answer and that you want to know the reason for her not wanting you to meet them. It can be a few reasons behind why she doesn’t want you meeting them, but you aren’t going to get an answer unless you sit her down and talk to her. I know you have tried several times, but if she is refusing for you to meet her parents, then something is not right with that. A person who is in love should want the other person to meet their parents, as you did with her. I would get to the bottom of this and tell her that if she is serious about your relationship, this is the next step you want to take. You have to wonder though, why she is really being resistant to you meeting her parents. It is either she doesn’t want them to meet you, or she doesn’t want you to meet them. Whatever the reason, you need to be honest with how you feel and tell her this is what you want. Good luck.

    xo,

    kristin nicole

  • My life isn’t going anywhere

    Feeling Alone. Image from: google.com/images

    The Question:

    Dear Kristin Nicole;

    Lately I’ve been feeling like I’m alone. My family does try to reach out but I just shut down. I have all these mixed feelings about where my life is going. I don’t have a job and I just feel as if my world is closing in. I don’t have motivation to do anything, even though I want to grow out of this rut. How can I do this? Help!

    ~Alone

    My Response:

    Dear Alone;

    You aren’t alone, you have to first realize that your family is there. You already know because you said it, but you need to accept it and let them in. Family is there through hard times, and if they are trying to be there for you then appreciate that and let them help you. There are some people who don’t have families, and there are some people whose families don’t offer help. Be grateful for your family and let them guide you to where you want to go. If you are feeling depressed maybe talking to a professional will help you get out of that rut, and get motivated into getting your life back on track. Make a list of the goals you want to take. The new year is approaching, make these goals a New Years resolution. Get out there and search for a job, go back to school if you aren’t in school and get back on track. You are the only person who can get you motivated. Start looking at what makes you happy and go for it.

    xo,

    kristin nicole

  • 26 years and no longer in love

    Twenty Six Years. Image found: google.com/images

    The Question:

    Dear Kristin Nicole;

    I am thinking about leaving my husband of 26 years. I held on hoping he would change, I held on for the kids, but now that our kids are older I just can’t pretend anymore. I don’t know how to tell him. Can you help me?

    ~Twenty Six

    My Response:

    Dear Twenty Six;

    It’s never easy letting someone know you want to move on from the relationship, but it’s even harder after so many years. I think you are making the right decision. You shouldn’t keep pretending to be happy, if you aren’t. Try to sit your husband down and explain to him that you are no longer in love with him. I’m sure if you have not been in love with him for a long time, that this is not going to be a total surprise to him. Either way it is not going to be easy, and he may be hurt. But at the end of the day it’s better for the both of you to move on from something that you aren’t happy with. Good luck

    xo,

    kristin nicole