I have read your blog and I have to tell you that I admire what you do and I love the advices you give, so I have brought to you my situation…
I have to mention that I am 20, married, part-time worker and college student. My husband (20 yrs old) works full-time at night, so we only see each other like 2 hrs a day, since he sleeps all afternoon long. I have gotten in a situation I hate to be in… An old crush (20 yrs old) appeared a couple of months ago, we decided to hang out one day. We went to the mall and walked around and just talked about life and what we’ve done all that time in which we didnt see each other. As the day went by I felt this amazing chemistry we had, like if we knew eachother from a long time. As the week went by we texted each other and decided to meet again ( I know this was a big mistake). We went to the zoo and after we were out of the zoo, we walked towards a little park that’s infront of the Zoo. We sat down on the grass and talked for a while, as we were talking, we ended up kissing… Since that day things have gotten more serious, we’ve met many times and had intercourse… My husband and I do not have time for each other, all he wants to do is sleep when he gets home since he is tired and I understand that. When he wakes up, its time for me to go to work and when I get off work, its time for him to go to work… My Ex-crush makes me feel like I havent felt in a long time.. last month, my Ex-crush and I thought I was preagnant, and he was very happy and willing to support me? Even though the child was not going to be raised by him. We found out I was not preagnant which was a big relief for me. I am starting to feel more than just attraction for him… I do not want to fall in love and I feel that is too late to stop what I have started… But really I can not picture my life without my husband. Even though we’ve only been married for 3 yrs, we’ve built alot of things together, credit, car, house, friends and etc., and i feel that nothing is really worth leaving my husband. I have a life with my husband, i do not want to divorce him, no one in my family has ever gotten one. I dont want to keep cheating on him, I have no idea what to do, maybe your answer will be to stop seeing my lover but really thats really hard since we are very good friends and he makes me happy, and I am now starting to have feelings for him. My lover mentioned that having a baby with me would be the best thing that could happen to him, and that confused me a lot. He says that we should try to have one, but I dont think it is right. What would be your advice?
~Too Young
My Response:
Dear Too Young;
I want to first start off by saying; Thank you so much for following my site. I hope that I can help you with what I am going to say.
I am not going to say that it is impossible to love two people at once, because it is possible, but you cannot be with two people at once, living a lie and trying to keep them both at arms reach. No one can tell you what choice to make, not even me. You have to truly see who you are truly in love with and be with that person. If you truly love your husband, you would not want to be with another man. I understand that it’s hard because of your time schedules to spend time together, but you need to communicate to your husband, and you need to try and make time for each other, or the relationship is not going to work. If you really want to make things work with your husband you need to end things with your friend. Do not take into consideration that no one in your family has ever gotten a divorce, if you aren’t in love with your husband it is better to move your separate ways now, then later down the road when you have children. It’s hard when you have a life built with someone you care for, but do you think it is okay to stay with someone just because you built credit, a house and a life with them? Life and marriage are so much more than that, and you will learn that one day. You are still young and you married young and there are many things in life you still have to experience. Do not stop yourself from doing what you want for you, because of what family or others might say. If you feel you really want to be with this other man, then you need to be honest with your husband and let him go. The fact that this man wants to have a baby with you, shows that he really cares for you, in his own way. I do not think that he will be okay with another man raising your child, I think he wants you to get pregnant because he believes this will give you the excuse to leave your husband. You are young and in my opinion, I would make sure to use birth control methods. You need to figure out what you want before bringing a child into this world. You also do not want to lie to your child about who their real father is, that is wrong on all levels. It isn’t fair to hold onto both men, when in the end you are only hurting yourself. No one can tell you which man to choose, you need to make that choice on your own. I think deep down you know the choice you want to make, I think you are just scared to make it. Life is too short to not make the choices in life that will make you happy. If you are grown up enough to get married, grown up enough to cheat, you are grown up enough to make a decision.
I feel like I’m losing control of how I feel. Sometimes I feel okay and happy and other times I am feeling like the world is passing me by and I don’t know how to make it slow down. I feel like nothing right is going on in my life, and as much as I try, I feel like I am stuck in the same place I have been in for the last few years. How do I try to get out of this rut and into making things happen?
~Feeling Lost
My Response:
Dear Feeling Lost;
It’s normal to feel lost sometimes, I think at one point in everyone’s life we sometimes wonder where our lives are going. If you feel like you are stuck, try to write down a few goals you want to finish (realistic time frame goals) before the year is over. We can not sit and wait for things to happen in life, sometimes we need to get up and push a little. If you are looking for a career change, maybe it’s time to go back to school. If you already have your education then get out there and start applying to every job that interests you. If you have the dream job and you are more concerned with financial stability, then talk to your boss about a raise or start looking for another job that will pay you more. If you just feel like you are stuck where you are, just know that you are never truly stuck. You can always move, and try something different. If you are in a relationship and you feel you are stuck there too, then talk to your boyfriend/girlfriend, see where your relationship is going. I am not sure exactly where you feel stuck, so I am just putting things out there. Feeling stuck can be draining sometimes. Sometimes we have to truly sit back and reflect on what we want to change. It isn’t going to be easy but when we push ourselves, you will be surprised at how far you can go.
I am thinking about cheating on my boyfriend with his best friend. We have been flirting recently and hung out the other day alone, we didn’t do anything but we came close to kissing. Should I see where it goes or leave it alone?
My Response:
Dear Flirt;
It is never a good idea to hook up with anyone while in a relationship, that’s one. Second, hooking up with your boyfriends best friend is probably one of the worst things a girl can do. Not only are you messing with your relationship but that’s your boyfriends friend. At this point, I can say that the best friend is not being a good friend to begin with if he’s hanging out with his best friend’s girlfriend alone and flirting. This is just temptation you don’t need. At the end of the day, the best friend gets what he wants, which is you, and at the end of the day the friendship will probably survive, and you will be the only one left alone. Don’t ruin your relationship, if you aren’t happy then break up with your boyfriend, but I repeat ‘DON’T HOOK UP WITH HIS BEST FRIEND’.
I know what it feels like
I know what it takes
I know deep inside you feel lost
A wall you have built
To let everyone out
Hoping that will make things better
Losing yourself within the doubt
When things start looking better
You sabotage your own results
Living a lie not in pleasure
You cry in bed at all costs
I know how you feel
I was there too
Not knowing who you are
Pretending to be two
Living in the dark
Not knowing where to go
Living a lie of happiness
When all you feel is alone
You don’t have to cry
You don’t have to feel alone
You don’t need to defy all the odds
You have to just let go
Let go of the sadness, of the anger and tears
Look deep inside yourself
And get rid of all your fears
Deep down there is a way
Even though you may not see
But everyone at one point feels alone
You just have to wake up and see
That although you do not want to hear it, see it or believe it
Family is always there
Because we care.
Take a moment to see who you are
Know that in the end you will go far
You have to have faith and see what we see
Because deep down inside you want to be free,
And the only way to do that is to be honest with yourself
remember that in the end, you can only change yourself.
When everything seems dark and hasty
look into my eyes and you will see
that everything you dreamed about is right in front of me
Don’t shut me out
Don’t hide behind your wall
Stop pretending you are someone you are not
I used to see you
but now you’re just a blur
an image of what I thought you were.
When you lie to them
it’s like lying to me
pretending to be happy
living in misery
Look around you
open your eyes
this little world you’re living in
is just a big old lie
You can’t live on this way
pretending to be what you’re not
pretending to all those that care
as if everything was okay
pretending that life is easy
is your biggest mistake
Wake up and see
see what you have become
See that everyone around you
is linked as one
When everything seems dark and hasty
open your eyes to see
that the real person inside, is staring back at me.
Sometimes in life we keep moving, as if the world outside our focus doesn’t exist. We don’t realize that what we may be doing or feeling in the moment can ruin the future. When we are young, we think everything is okay, we live in a world that says ‘it’s all about me’. You need to stop and wake up, you need to realize that it is not all about you, that there is a world out there you need to see, a world that isn’t so nice as the home you have lived in your entire life. Some know this better than others. The friends you think will always be there, most likely won’t. The guy you think loves you, will be just a memory of the past, and the family you keep pushing away is the only thing that will ever truly take you back.
We all make mistakes, we all have regrets and we all keep moving forward. It isn’t until you wake up from your dream like state that you can truly realize what it is you are doing with your life. Wake up and don’t smell the flowers but smell the disappointment, smell the raw facts of life, the ones that say you have no home, the one that says, you have no education, no job, no future. Do you smell it yet?
If you don’t, eventually you will. We all do, we all wake up from that dream like state, and we all see what has been in front of us the entire time. If you want to throw your life away, then it is your choice, but make it clear that this is what you want to do. Do not drag the rest of us down with you, do not lie to my face and make believe that everything is okay, when everything is all shades of fucked up. Don’t keep lying to me, or yourself, because the only person that ends up with a life they didn’t want is the person on the other side of the mirror. Take a good look, do you like what you see?
Type A or B Personality – image by: google.com/images Are you a Type A personality? What changes do you think you could make to become more of a Type B personality?
I took the Type A or B behavior pattern test and my results showed that I was somewhere in between a Type A which is aggressive and wanting to be great at everything versus Type B who has a more laid back kind of attitude.
My results said: You seem to be in the middle between the Type A and Type B personality. In this case, the middle ground is good. Your attitude to life is more of the “smell the roses” kind and you know how and when to relax. Nonetheless, you realize that picking up a challenge and competing a little bit for your place in the sun can add some spice to your life. The equilibrium is important, so don’t let your hostile, aggressive, and competitive alter ego take over too often. Generally, you are easy to be around, and people tend to feel relaxed and comfortable in your presence. Yours is a very healthy attitude towards life.
– I have to say this is pretty accurate. I like to make goals and I like to achieve the things I want in life, but I do not feel that I have to kill myself working all the time or that this is the most important thing in life. I do like to just stop and smell the roses, so to speak, I like to enjoy life and I know that life is too short to worry all the time. It’s too short to not enjoy the small things in life which makes us happy. In order to become more of a Type B personality I would just need to be a little more patient with certain things and a little more trusting. However I do not think that I would want to be a Type B personality, I think where I stand is perfect. There are times when we should be a little more aggressive in getting what we want and other times we need to know when it is the right time to relax and enjoy life.
Take the test for yourself and see which type of personality you are at Personality Tests
Let's Talk About Sex – image by: google.com/images
Today we have discovered that sex is not just a commitment or a unity you have between you and your partner but something most of us do just for the pleasure of it, or for fun, or even just to fit in. Sex has become a big part in today’s society, and we need to sit down with our children, talk about sex, talk about our bodies, and talk about the consequences that come with having sexual intercourse at such a young age. The subject of sex tends to scare off not only the parents of the teenagers, but the teenagers themselves. It is very important to keep communication open with your teenagers so that when they are faced with the issues of teen sex they feel they can come and talk to you about it. It is better for our teenagers to be able to talk to us about it then to get pregnant or catch a disease. “In 2009, 46% of high school students had sexual intercourse and 13.8% had four or more sex partners during their life. Prior to the sexual activity, 21.6% drank alcohol or used drugs and only 38.9% used a condom”.
The Guttmacher Institute reports that the United States has the highest levels of teen pregnancy among developed nations. About 75% percent of teenagers have sexual intercourse before they turn 20, and only 15% report that they are still virgins until the age of 21. The Institute reports that teenagers before the age of 15 are having sexual intercourse and are reported to have more than one partner in a year. As a young child we tend to learn to express our affections and sensual feelings through activities such as kissing and hugging. These actions can have a strong influence on “the manner in which he or she expresses sexuality in later years”. (Crooks, 2010).
Growing up my parents never really spoke about sexuality or anything of the sort. It was understood that this was an awkward subject to touch on. When I was young, I had to help take care of my sister, I was 11 when she was born, and this in time became my birth control. I saw, and I experienced how hard it was to have to take care of a child, and I only had to help take care of her, I did not need to wake up in the early mornings with her or late at night, and yet this was a constant reminder to always be protected when the time would come. My older brother did have the talk about sex and not only with my dad but with my mom as well. She spoke to him about the consequences of getting a young girl pregnant and the transmitted diseases you can get with having unprotected sex. My brother was given condoms and had the “sex” conversation. I on the other hand had to learn about my body changing and sexual intercourse through books, and through friends, and through school.
The media shows us that sex is natural, that being sexual and being sexy are things of the world. We look at this and we find that young teens want to look like models; young boys want to be strong and fit. We do not look behind the camera and we do not show our children that behind the scenes most of these people are just like you and me, that being you is okay and discovering your body when you are ready is a life time of experiences. I took a sexual education class in my sophomore year in high school, I live in Texas and it was a requirement, we learned a lot about our bodies, how to treat ourselves with how society portrays us. We learned how to eat healthy and not become anorexic or eat too much and become obese because of depression. Understanding our bodies was important, and then we learned about sexual intercourse, the consequences of teen pregnancy and the actions you might have to face if discovering you had unprotected sex and now carry a disease that may or may not kill you.
“Masturbation is one of the most common and natural forms of sexual expression during the childhood years”. (Crooks, 2010). This is true and yet as a young child learning about your body, this is why it is so important that as parents you speak to your children. As a young teenager, growing into puberty and learning about their bodies, they sometimes do not understand what is going on with their bodies, the sensations they feel, the excitement and when they discover masturbation, they may not know if it is okay to do it or not. HIV/Aids era has showed us that using protection when having sexual relations with a partner is very important. Although we learn that not only sexual intercourse is the reason behind these diseases “behaviors that put young people at risk for HIV infection include engaging in intercourse without condoms; using alcohol, cocaine, and other drugs that impair judgment, reduce impulse control, and thus increase the likelihood of hazardous sexual activity”. (Crooks, 2010). Teenagers aged 13-24 make up around 17% of those who received diagnosis of HIV/AIDS in 2008. Many teenagers do not understand the consequences that derive in acting as an adult, and that is why it is important that we talk to our teens at a young age.
Sexuality and sexual issues never derived in my family. Double standard as Crooks also talks about is true. As a girl, sexual talk or conduct of any sort was unacceptable, and we did not talk about it. For my brother, they were proud he used his condoms and they not only discussed sexual activities with him but they also gave him condoms to protect himself. I was told that I better not come home pregnant; this defense mechanism parents use because they are scared to talk about sexual acts with their children is what scare children off. I know a lot of girls who got abortions because they felt they could not come home and tell their parents they were pregnant, they did not have time to think, they did not have the choice to make of whether or not they wanted to keep the child and they did not use protection because it was never frowned upon to ever talk about in the household. Lucky for me, I had my baby sister to keep me sane, or should I say scared out of mind that I didn’t want the chance to get pregnant, because I knew from an early age that using protection was the key to healthy and sexual relationship in the future.
References
Crooks, R. (2010). Our Sexuality: Cengage Learning
Guttmacher Institute (1996-2011). From http://www.guttmacher.org/pubs/FB-ATSRH.html
SADD Statistics, (2011). from http://www.sadd.org/stats.htm
I’m so desperate for help, and I really don’t know what’s the best way to go about all of this. I’ve been married with my husband for more than 12 years and I’m 34 right now. My relationship with my husband was kind of complicated but it’s getting better and more understanding. However, our sexual relationship has been questionable always, and there was a huge gap between us. Anyhow, short story, in some point of our life I felt that I really hated him, but I never had the strength to divorce him, so I continued living with him, and in the meantime I fell in love with someone else who is still with me. It’s been almost more than a year. We love each other so much, my husband loves me so much too, and now we don’t have any problem like before, and I don’t want to leave him because he’s going to be broken, and I don’t want to divorce him. My boyfriend is married too, and has a very bad relationship with his wife, and he has a daughter. He asked me several time to marry him, but I can’t leave my husband.
Now I’m pregnant with my boyfriend about 3 weeks. I’m sure that it is his baby because I haven’t had any intercourse with my husband for over 2 months. My boyfriend is so excited about the baby and so am I, but I’m so scared about the whole process and I feel guilty that if I decide to keep this baby I have to lie to everyone for my entire life.
Please help me to clear my mind. I know that I’m guilty in the first place and I shouldn’t cheat on my husband, but I really need your help.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in abortion and he says that the baby is part of our love, and I need to think by my heart. I love to have this baby as well, but when I think of consequences I’m getting more convince that I have to have an abortion.
I can’t lie to everyone. The baby, my husband my family and his family.
Please help me
~Cheating & Pregnant (Revised: KN)
My Response:
Dear Cheating & Pregnant;
You already know that what you are doing is wrong, and the fact that your ‘boyfriend’ also has a wife is another issue. I understand that you had a complicated marriage, but when you felt that you weren’t happy, you should have left your husband then. It’s been a year that you have been having this other relationship, and your ‘boyfriend’ is still married as well. You need to make a decision, you cannot keep having this double life, it will eventually tear you apart. I can tell you are already struggling with making a decision on what to do now that you are pregnant with your boyfriends child. Your boyfriend probably won’t leave his wife as much as you do not want to leave your husband. If you truly were in love with your husband you wouldn’t be cheating and lying to him. You cannot try to pass this baby off has your husbands child and I’m sure your boyfriend won’t allow that. You will have to face the music and be honest with your husband. I am not going to try and sugar coat this, it is most likely your husband will leave you once he finds out the truth. The truth always comes out, and it is best to be honest with him now then for him to find out about the baby. If you chose to abort the child, that is completely up to you, however, you are in this situation out of free will. You need to really think about what it is you are going to do. Either choice won’t be easy and in the end someone will get hurt, but living a lie and continuing to cheat on your husband is not healthy.
Be honest with yourself, and with both men and decide to be with one or the other.
My boyfriend that I am with now is a virgin, I didn’t know this when we first started dating, because he seems so confident, I had assumed he wasn’t a virgin. He is 23 years old and I am 21, I have had more than one partner in my life and I am wondering if I am going to enjoy having sex with my boyfriend. I want someone who is going to know what to do, not someone I have to tell what to do. Is it wrong of me to think this way? Should I break up with him, or should I take his virginity?
~ Boyfriends a Virgin
My Response:
Dear Boyfriends a Virgin;
You shouldn’t break up with your boyfriend just because he is a virgin, you obviously liked him enough to become his girlfriend. It may not be the same as the other men you have been with, but he might just surprise you. Try taking the dominant role and perhaps showing him exactly what you like will win over the rest in the end. Sometimes you can’t teach an old dog new tricks, but one that doesn’t know any better might be worth a little work. Have you tried doing other stuff with him? Perhaps having a little fun beforehand can loosen up the mood. If you really feel like you do not want to be with him, make sure before taking his virginity, although I’m sure he wouldn’t mind. Good luck
