The Question:
Hey I’m 18 and have a little sister who is 14 and wondered if you could help. Well about a year ago my sister wanted to speak to me about something and that’s when she told me that mum was having an affair because she had seen messages on her phone and she just broke down in my arms and just cried and this has been going on ever since. I dint know what to do so i told my dad about this. Every Friday she says that she goes out with friends for a meal but we don’t believe this and think that she is going to see him. And every time my sister has baton twirling she tends to go out and say that she is either going for a walk or going shopping on her own which is something she has never done. Every time she gets a text she hides it and even takes her phone with her everywhere she goes. But when i manage to get a chance i always have a look at her phone and find messages from him. I found the letters at the weekend which had some awful things on there, and they have been together a year i think in may. And we all know that it is a person that she works with baring in mind apparently he is married with two children just like my mum is. I just feel really sorry for my dad in a way because he has never done anything to deserve this i just don’t understand. I always try to confront her about it but she constantly denies it which i think is one of the reasons that there are constant arguments around the house. My dad knows but will not do anything all he keeps telling me is that he is biding his time. What should i do leave it to my dad or confront her myself, but beforehand when i spoke to her about it she just said that he was a really close mate. I’m so scared to confront her though as i don’t want to break the family up. Please someone help what should i do?
My response:
Dear stuck in the middle;
This is something that no teenager or daughter/son should have to deal with it. This is something your parents have to deal with on their own. I know it’s hard, but you already confronted your dad about it, and he already knows something is going on. I know it’s hard to just sit back and watch all this happen, watch your family fall apart, while you sit back and do nothing. The thing is, no matter what you try to do, there really isn’t anything you can do. Your parents are adults and they know what they are doing. Your mother knows that what she is doing is wrong, but she continues to do it, and go back home and pretend everything is fine, when everyone in that house knows it isn’t. Your dad knows what’s going on but he can be either in denial or he doesn’t know how to approach the situation. It’s hard for a person to find out that their spouse is cheating on them, it’s not easy to take that all in, especially when he has a family to think about. He may be thinking that he’s staying with your mom because of you girls, and that he doesn’t want to hurt you guys, but what he doesn’t realize is, that staying is hurting you guys more, because the both of you already know what’s been going on for more then a year, and you sit back and have to see your dad in pain. Talk to your dad again and tell him how you feel. If it makes you feel better, then I say go ahead and talk to your mom. Let her know that you know, that to stop lying and hiding it from you. I don’t know what these letters you found said so I am assuming it’s hard evidence into your mothers affair. If this is the case, then like I said, if it will help you sleep a little better confronting your mother, go for it. Just know that this may not change things, she may still deny it, unless you catch her in the act, where she can’t deny it any longer, confront your dad, and tell him that you don’t want to live this lie anymore, it’s only hurting your family more. I know you don’t want to break the family up, but know that you aren’t, none of this was ever or will ever be your fault or your sisters or your fathers. Your mom knows what she is doing, and she is the only one breaking up your family by doing this. It’s hard and painful and I am sorry that you have to go through this, BUT sit down with your parents and tell them how you are feeling. Keeping things inside, pretending it isn’t happening isn’t going to make things better. Standing up and saying how you feel isn’t going to make it your fault if your parents separate, the only person to blame is the person who cheated. Be patient, I know right now it feels like things can’t get any worse, and you feel helpless, but life will get better. Good luck and I hope that your family can work things out.
xo,
kristin nicole
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