The Question:
Dear kristin nicole;
Hi, me and my ex-boyfriend have known each other for over a year and have been in and out of our relationship. The problem is I can’t stop talking to him, all I do is wait for him to call me or IM me, or even text. When I first met him he was a huge womanizer…he used to make sexual jokes with other girls and etc.
After a few months he lost all contact with other people though and just talked to me even though I encouraged him to get back his friends. After a few more months his parents found out about our relationship and completely started to rule my boyfriend. They insulted me and our relationship, and lied and manipulated both of us severely. It’s been going on ever sense, even though it’s not as bad as before.
He used to lie about little things all the time, even things that didn’t even matter. He let his mother control his life and all his decisions, and even though his mother was emotionally abusing me and him he would not stand up to her. (Were both underage by the way) He also let tons of girls flirt with him, and when I told him that he needed to tell them to stop, he changed the subject and acted like I never said anything. Also when his friends made fun of me, or made jokes about me and I asked him to stand up for me he would just ignore it.
He emailed my mom and told her about all the bad things I had been doing, even though I had told him to keep it a secret. I used to be a cutter and very suicidal, but I was getting help for it.
Even though my mother found out she did not push help on me, and I got over it on my own.
When I confronted him about it the first time he lied and said he did nothing like that, after pressing him for 15 minutes he finally admitted it, and he promised he would never do it again. After that he manipulated me into feeling sorry for him about his life and etc (like he does in every argument)
A few months later I found out he was doing it again, I confronted him about it again, and he lied, and then manipulated me into feeling bad for him again. He kept on lying about little things and kept denying them, which got me pissed off. Recently I found out he posted his old sexual relations publicly on facebook, which disgusted me. I confronted him about it and he said it meant nothing.
We broke about 4 – 5 months ago from an argument. (He told me I was over-reacting about being depressed over all of this, and I was stupid to think this way and relationships have been through much worse and I didn’t deserve to be talking this way). He used to have this gang of friends that were very rude, used girls and were very controlling. A year ago or so he said he stopped all communication.
He lied and kept going back once in awhile, I told him to stop. He lied and kept going back.
AGAIN I told him to stop and he kept going back. This went on for another like 3 times.
Before I met him even though I was going through a-lot of stuff I was very happy, but after all of this It feels like I have clinical depression.
I don’t think I love him anymore, I don’t trust him nor care about him or anything.
but yet I can’t stop talking to him. I really want to stop but every time I do I can’t help myself but go back online to talk to him, or call him or text. I know i’m stupid to do that though.
Please help me to stop.
~Waiting for a call~
My Response:
Dear Waiting for a call;
It sounds like you already know where you want to be in this relationship and I cannot tell you how to stop talking to your ex or how to make you feel less sad about the situation, with that said however, you sound much stronger than what you give yourself credit for. You have surpassed being depressed and cutting yourself without the help of your family (which is what you stated), and the fact that you can be strong enough to know that was not good for you and to stop is very strong of you. You realized that your boyfriend was manipulating you into feeling bad for him and the fact that you have realized this is a big step. You already know you don’t love him any more and that you don’t want to be with him, the hardest part is actually letting go. Sometimes even though we know we don’t love someone anymore, and we know that they aren’t any good for us, as humans we tend to hold on to stuff, and even though you know that this isn’t the person you want to be with you keep talking to him. Ask yourself why you think that is? You have to be strong and lose all connection with him, you need to move on and it isn’t going to be easy because it sounds like you were in this relationship for a long time. You deserve someone better, someone who won’t lie to you, someone whose family will accept you and not try to cause more problems. You deserve to be happy and I think that you already know that leaving him and losing all connection with him is the beginning to that happiness.
Don’t let him manipulate you anymore, be strong and know that you deserve someone better. Believe me there are better guys out there, of what you have described, this guy is a loser, and you can do so much better!
xo,
kristin nicole
