Advice Column: Affair with a married man – Image found on google.com/images
Advice Column: Affair with a married man
I’m a 17 year old girl, who recently started talking to a 23 year old guy from across the country. He told me straight up that he has two baby boys, which didn’t bother me because we weren’t anything serious. Well we texted all the time and talked on the phone, but when he oddly kept refusing to add me on Facebook I demanded to know why. He admitted to being in a loveless, miserable marriage. They’ve been married for four years and he’s slept with a few other women. He suspects her of cheating on him while he was stationed in Korea and doesn’t think that his oldest son is really his. I’m a very understanding person and continued talking to him despite his personal life. But now it’s at the point where he says he has too big of a heart to leave his wife and kids, and I don’t know what to do. I like him but knowing he sits out in his car every night after work to call me while his wife is inside sleeping just doesn’t feel right. It’s too much! He’s an amazing guy and although I don’t think what he’s doing is right, I also feel like I shouldn’t play along. It just kills me because I know how unhappy and utterly miserable he is with her. What should I do? ~17
My Response:
Dear 17;
I think you already know the answer to your question and you just need for someone else to confirm what you have already been thinking and feeling. You stated; “and though I don’t think what he’s doing is right, I also feel like I shouldn’t play along.” Do you need any other answer besides that one? The guy can’t be too good of a guy if he’s cheating on his wife constantly and lying to her. He doesn’t live close to you and all you have is a phone relationship. You are much too young to be worrying about a guy with so many problems. You need to be having fun and start dating guys more your age. Enjoy your life and stop worrying about a guy who is cheating on his wife and his family with other women and sneaking off at night to talk to you. Close the door to this relationship and move on.
Advice Column: I don’t want to take my husband. Image by: google.com/images
The Question: Advice Column: I don’t want to take my husband to my co-workers birthday party.
I was invited to a coworkers birthday party and I really don’t want to bring my husband. I know it sounds bad but no one is bringing their boyfriend and if I bring him I don’t want to neglect him by talking to co-workers and stuff. [sic]. Its mostly girls and I don’t want him to think I don’t want him to go because I do, but he is going to feel out of place. Is it wrong if I don’t want him to go?
(Edited)
My Response:
Dear Don’t want to neglect;
Is it mostly girls or is all girls? If it is mostly girls just tell him that it’s only girls and if its okay that you go alone. If it’s a mix of people then there isn’t anything wrong with bringing your husband, let him get to know your co-workers. I used to have happy hour with co-workers after work and it was a mix of us, not everyone brought someone but I always invited my boyfriend and gave him the option to go if he wanted to. If you really want to go alone then just be honest with him and tell him why. I am sure your husband won’t want to be hanging out a bunch of women if that’s the case.
I am way too involved in my nearly 15 year old daughter’s life. It consumes me and my happiness seems to be dependent on how happy she is. I find myself getting too involved in social issues and give advice often before she asks for it. We have a great relationship and she tells me so much but I sometimes wish she didn’t. Lately I have lost sleep worrying about girl issues and boyfriend issues. She is extremely attractive and athletic and often suffers from jealous girls trying to knock her down. Lately these girls have been trying to turn boys against her and have succeeded to a point. She says it doesn’t worry her but I struggle to believe that. She says she is fine but I just can’t stop worrying and giving advice. I need to stop before I ruin the wonderful relationship we have had and she stops telling me things. It’s just that I know what can potentially happen and I am trying to protect her from it. Help me to stop as i am neglecting my 11 year old son and husband that is all that is consuming my thoughts. I am an educated person with a degree so I should know better! (Edited by: KN)
My Response:
Dear Over involved mom;
I know it’s hard to not worry about your daughter, but you have already passed the first step of realizing you are too involved. You have to accept that your daughter needs to make her own mistakes and you need to try to let what she tells you not bother you. If your daughter is open with you and she is telling you that she is okay, you need to believe her and let her come to you if things aren’t okay. Start making time for mother and son day. I can only imagine that things in common with an 11 year old son may be difficult but try to see what he wants to do and start giving him attention as well. Also try to make time for a date night with your husband and talk to him about how you are feeling. If you don’t explain to him how you feel then he won’t understand what it is you are going through. If you talk to him then at least he will have a better understanding on what is going on with you. Remember communication is key, let him help you and get your mind off things. Remember teenagers will have ups and downs, that’s why it’s called teenage years, so try not to worry so much about your daughter. It sounds to me like she’s a smart girl, and she already knows she can come to you if she needs you. Start focusing on the good and don’t over analyze everything she tells you.
I have read your blog and I have to tell you that I admire what you do and I love the advices you give, so I have brought to you my situation…
I have to mention that I am 20, married, part-time worker and college student. My husband (20 yrs old) works full-time at night, so we only see each other like 2 hrs a day, since he sleeps all afternoon long. I have gotten in a situation I hate to be in… An old crush (20 yrs old) appeared a couple of months ago, we decided to hang out one day. We went to the mall and walked around and just talked about life and what we’ve done all that time in which we didnt see each other. As the day went by I felt this amazing chemistry we had, like if we knew eachother from a long time. As the week went by we texted each other and decided to meet again ( I know this was a big mistake). We went to the zoo and after we were out of the zoo, we walked towards a little park that’s infront of the Zoo. We sat down on the grass and talked for a while, as we were talking, we ended up kissing… Since that day things have gotten more serious, we’ve met many times and had intercourse… My husband and I do not have time for each other, all he wants to do is sleep when he gets home since he is tired and I understand that. When he wakes up, its time for me to go to work and when I get off work, its time for him to go to work… My Ex-crush makes me feel like I havent felt in a long time.. last month, my Ex-crush and I thought I was preagnant, and he was very happy and willing to support me? Even though the child was not going to be raised by him. We found out I was not preagnant which was a big relief for me. I am starting to feel more than just attraction for him… I do not want to fall in love and I feel that is too late to stop what I have started… But really I can not picture my life without my husband. Even though we’ve only been married for 3 yrs, we’ve built alot of things together, credit, car, house, friends and etc., and i feel that nothing is really worth leaving my husband. I have a life with my husband, i do not want to divorce him, no one in my family has ever gotten one. I dont want to keep cheating on him, I have no idea what to do, maybe your answer will be to stop seeing my lover but really thats really hard since we are very good friends and he makes me happy, and I am now starting to have feelings for him. My lover mentioned that having a baby with me would be the best thing that could happen to him, and that confused me a lot. He says that we should try to have one, but I dont think it is right. What would be your advice?
~Too Young
My Response:
Dear Too Young;
I want to first start off by saying; Thank you so much for following my site. I hope that I can help you with what I am going to say.
I am not going to say that it is impossible to love two people at once, because it is possible, but you cannot be with two people at once, living a lie and trying to keep them both at arms reach. No one can tell you what choice to make, not even me. You have to truly see who you are truly in love with and be with that person. If you truly love your husband, you would not want to be with another man. I understand that it’s hard because of your time schedules to spend time together, but you need to communicate to your husband, and you need to try and make time for each other, or the relationship is not going to work. If you really want to make things work with your husband you need to end things with your friend. Do not take into consideration that no one in your family has ever gotten a divorce, if you aren’t in love with your husband it is better to move your separate ways now, then later down the road when you have children. It’s hard when you have a life built with someone you care for, but do you think it is okay to stay with someone just because you built credit, a house and a life with them? Life and marriage are so much more than that, and you will learn that one day. You are still young and you married young and there are many things in life you still have to experience. Do not stop yourself from doing what you want for you, because of what family or others might say. If you feel you really want to be with this other man, then you need to be honest with your husband and let him go. The fact that this man wants to have a baby with you, shows that he really cares for you, in his own way. I do not think that he will be okay with another man raising your child, I think he wants you to get pregnant because he believes this will give you the excuse to leave your husband. You are young and in my opinion, I would make sure to use birth control methods. You need to figure out what you want before bringing a child into this world. You also do not want to lie to your child about who their real father is, that is wrong on all levels. It isn’t fair to hold onto both men, when in the end you are only hurting yourself. No one can tell you which man to choose, you need to make that choice on your own. I think deep down you know the choice you want to make, I think you are just scared to make it. Life is too short to not make the choices in life that will make you happy. If you are grown up enough to get married, grown up enough to cheat, you are grown up enough to make a decision.
My husband is not romantic, is it unrealistic to ask him to be more romantic?
For example, we rarely do gift exchange but I would like to, and I told my husband it would be nice if he could sometimes buy me presents. I don’t care about material things, but I just think it’s a nice gesture to do for your wife/husband. And whenever we go out together, I am always the one who initiates, but I want him to initiate too. I feel like I’m always the one forcing him, or making him spend time with me.
Is it fair for me to ask such things of him?
~Asking for Too Much
My Response:
Dear Asking for Too Much;
I am assuming your husband didn’t stop being romantic from one day to the next, you probably already knew he was like this before you married him. With that said, it doesn’t mean that it’s too much to ask for. You have to talk to your husband, communicate to him how you feel and that you understand he isn’t romantic but it would be nice for him to make a little more effort when it came to gifts and going out for dinner. I think it’s important to get each other gifts especially during special occasions, it doesn’t have to be expensive just a little something to show you care. It makes a person feel good about their relationship when you get little surprises, like flowers on a Wednesday. Talk to your husband, tell him how you feel and try to surprise him every once in a while too. 😉
I have fallen out of love with my husband. I’m no really in love with him. He just kinda … became a bore to me and I’m getting sick of him. Also he has gained a lot of weight over the past few years and I’m not very attracted to him anymore.
I just don’t feel the same anymore as I used to. I’m ready to move on into the next chapter in my life. How do I tell the man that I want a divorce?
My Response:
Dear Divorce;
Sometimes we fall out of love and that’s okay, it just wasn’t meant to be, but we usually fall out of love because of reasons other than he just gained some weight over the years, because weight can be changed. However, if you really are ready to move on and you are not happy, it is not healthy to stay in this relationship and it is better for the both of you that you move your separate ways. It is not going to be easy, but no one can really tell you how to tell your husband you want a divorce. You can either do it in the comfort of your home or you can pick a public place to tell him (just in case you think he might make a scene). Be honest with him and tell him how you have been feeling and that you want a divorce. (I would leave the weight part out, but that’s just me). There really is no easy way to do this, so you made the decision to move on, make that decision to get up and tell him how you feel. Good luck
I have a fetish that I am wondering if anybody else has heard of. I absolutely love a woman when she is dressed up in a dress or costume that has giant puffy sleeves. I’ve had this my whole life and don’t know where it came from. I fantasize that a woman or even better two women dressed up kidnap me and forcibly dress me up in the same kind of outfit. I’m bound and gagged while they forcibly rape me. Is there any women out there that would do this for there husbands. I don’t even need the fantasy part all the time I would just like it for my wife to dress up once in a while, prance around just to turn me on. I’ve been married for 20 years and she isn’t in to it at all. Am I really that weird? And I’m not gay I love women! Does anyone know of movies or websites that may have pics of such costumes?
The Response:
Dear Fetish;
A lot of people have fetishes, have you ever talked to your wife about the way you feel? You have been married for 20 years, and your sex life should be open by now. Maybe your wife feels weird dressing up for you, try having a few drinks to loosen up and then trying a few different things, warm her up to dressing up for you. As for going to websites to indulge in your fetish, I don’t think that’s a good idea, your wife might not understand or feel happy about that. Talk to your wife and see how far she is willing to go and start there. Unfortunately these are things you should have told your wife a long time ago, and if you did and you knew she would never live your fantasy out, then you knew up front she wasn’t into it and you had choices you could have made, now at this point in your life you have been married 20 years, so start off with spicing it up a little in the bedroom and trying to see if she’s willing to dress up a few times. Good luck.
Discovered My Wife has been on the web cam with some man over the past several months?
Over the last Year, My wife has been acting very strange. Her temper has been very erratic. She has been evasive with me. Pushing me away when I try to get her in the mood. I don’t know what’s gotten into her. I knew something was up with her. I knew that she had been talking to another man, I know this next part was wrong of me. But the other night she went out with her sister and some friends. I got on her laptop and guessed her password. On the first try I got the password correct! I was able to see her ” Voice Call History” And found out that since April 15th 2010, she has had about 30-40 Voice ” Web Cam” Sessions with some other man from Ohio! How do I go about confronting her with this? The Web Caming happened usually around 4-6AM, sometimes in the early afternoon. The last time she was on the web cam with him was over 4th of July while I was out at a company BBQ, I’m so upset that I feel like I’m going to punch a hole in the wall. I cannot read the actual emails back and forth because she has deleted them all.
How should I go about confronting her over this? I just don’t understand why she would be this stupid. I found photos of the guy she was doing it with and he’s some Young, Punk. Guy looks like he’s in his early 20’s. My wife has on her profile that she’s 28 years old when she’s actually 41. Imp just Furious!!! What should I do?
My Response:
Dear Web Cam;
Your wife can be going through a midlife crisis of some sort, or perhaps just is not happy in your marriage. This doesn’t excuse what your wife has done. I would confront her and talk to her. It’s not going to be easy and you have to be prepare yourself to hear things you might not want to hear. You are going to have choices, you can either talk with your wife and seek counseling to try and keep your marriage alive, or you can take some time off and think about staying in a marriage that has been full of lies. No person should have to go through what you are about to go through and what your wife is doing is inexcusable. I don’t think you really need someone to tell you what to do here, I think you already know what you need to do, but you might be a little scared to confront her. Having to hear the truth about what you have been suspecting is never easy, but you have to face the truth and move forward.
Is it kind of usual now for parents to cheat on each other?
My dad first cheated on my mum when I was around 10. From then he’s had about 3 affairs with different women, all who are after his money but he’s too blind and stubborn to see that. I just want to know if that’s kind of normal in families now.
My Response:
Dear Normal;
This is not normal and I’m sorry you have had to know and see what your dad does to your mom since the age of 10. No parent, man, women, or anyone should cheat on the other. It’s infidelity and betrayal in the worst possible way. If you love someone you don’t cheat on them. What your dad has done to your mom isn’t right, and if your mom has stuck it out with your dad, I’m sure she has her reasons, or she is just in denial and didn’t want to break up the marriage. Your mom could have also stayed with your dad thinking it was “best for the children”. Have you ever tried sitting down with your mom and telling her what you know? Have you ever tried confronting your father? Sometimes it isn’t good to get in the middle of your parents situations because I truly believe that their problems should stay between them, but the fact that you have know that your dad has been cheating on your mum for years now, is affecting you. At the end of the day you want to know if this is normal for a family? For a man to cheat on his family and wife? The answer to that is NO. Although many people today cheat on each other, it doesn’t make it right. Being faithful and loving someone with all you have is one of the biggest challenges in today’s life, and it’s sad that we have to even call that a challenge. It should come easy and if you have doubts believe me, there are still good people out there who don’t cheat on their partners.
I’ve been with my husband for 10 years married for 4 and we just fight everyday. The romance is gone, we fight about things everyday and I know to a point these things are normal but I’m sick of it. When I explain how much things he says upset or offend me he just doesn’t get it! I’m so frustrated all I want to do is leave!! Any advice would be good!! He’s a good person but I am just not attracted to him anymore. How do you get those feelings back once they’re gone?
My Response:
Dear Fighting all the Time;
Fighting all the time is not normal, so let’s start with that. Second – Sometimes if we fall out of love there is really nothing we can do to make it better. Have you tried sitting down with your husband and talking about how you feel? The only solution I can give you is to TALK! Communicate how you feel, and try to see if you can stop fighting all the time and rebuild your relationship. If you guys have tried working it out and it is still the same, then there is always marriage counseling. If you tried marriage counseling and you are both still miserable then maybe you have to look at the options. Either stay in a loveless marriage and be miserable fighting all the time, or move your separate ways. Communication is key, without talking you won’t figure it out on your own. Good luck.
